I stopped up and looked again. That face was familiar, I had seen it somewhere before. I walked over to her and said hello. She greeted me with a big smile, "Hello my dear old friend. It's so nice to see you again."
I paused, a bit puzzled. My best friend? That seemed odd. While she was familiar, I couldn't recall her name or where I should know her from. When she reached out her arms to hug me, I couldn't resist and I gave her a big hug back. It felt good, as if something missing had just returned. As if I was whole again, completely content. I couldn't help but grin and then laugh with joy, as I felt her against me. This was wonderful. It was very strange, but it seemed so suiting. So right that it was highly unnerving.
After what felt like an eternity she stepped back. Holding my shoulders she looked me into the eyes and said, "How are you?"
"I'm fine," the usual answer. She grinned at me and said, "I asked, how are you?" She looked me into the eyes again, seeing more than anyone should see. "How are you really my dearest friend. Deep inside?" Her words penetrated me. I stood there just looking at her, feeling scared for some reason. my heart beat faster and my stomach tied up in a knot. I stammered a few words before clearing my throat, "Perhaps we should go somewhere else. I know of a nice café nearby." I tried to sound casual, but I don't think I was convincing.
She brightened at my words and instantly said, "Let's go to my place, you're always welcome and it's been so long." She seemed anxious to have me come. As if it was of great importance to her. Why would it be anyway, I didn't know her no matter what she had said. How could it be too long?
I hesitated briefly. I worried while paranoid scenes went through my head. Then I chided myself as I was taken by her spirited energy. Who was this woman I was attracted to just like that? I just wanted to open completely to her and let her in to see everything. Did I trust her? I realized that I did for some strange reason. I trusted a stranger. It might have been her familiarity which prompted it, the way she seemed to be part of me.
Her apartment was warm and welcoming. I felt at home instantly. It was a strange mix of styles and personalities, but I liked it. Perhaps because it was how I would have decorated my home had I the courage and confidence.
She directed me to a deep couch and with a happy grin she asked me if I still prefered Pu-erh tea. With a surprised laugh I answered yes. "I do too," she said from the kitchen, "I just love that fermented, earthly flavour it has. "
I was amazed, "Yes, that's it," I called to her while making myself comfortable with a blanket over my legs. It had the same green as a beech forest on the first summer day, the same green as my favourite shirt. Again this feeling of unease washed over me and my stomach tied up with what I realized was fear. Quickly I pushed the feeling aside, not yet willing to face it.
She brought the tea and sat down next to me. I held the steaming cup with one hand and wrapped my other arm around her shoulders. Unthinkingly I pulled her closer. With a laugh she complied and snuggled against me.
"You know, it's been too long since you've done that," she said while smiling at my eyes. "I've wanted to hug you so many times over these last years, but you've always been so distant, rejecting everything I tried."
I stared at her. What was she talking about? When would I have rejected her? It was impossible not to mention I was certain that I'd never refuse a hug from her. She was just too special. There was some very attractive quality over her. Something I couldn't resist or just ignore. I was fascinated, perhaps this was a spell cast on me. Alone looking at her made me smile, filled me with laughter.
"I can't imagine ever rejecting you," I said with an uneasy smile while squeezing her. "This is odd. It's really strange." I scanned her face again. "I feel it like I know you, like I've known you all my life. Like you've always been there. And yet, when you say things like me ignoring you for too long, I get confused." I tried to smile at her, a bit worried about her reaction and put off by the conversation.
"I look upon you, hear you, feel you and I know instantly that you're a person I could fall in love with and am attracted to. You're beautiful, full of life, open, compassionate and giving. It's all qualities that makes you attractive. I can't imagine myself ever refusing you anything or not want to spend time with you."
"But you have." No accusations or chiding, merely a statement of facts.
"It can't be, it's impossible." I tried to deny her words, tried again to tell her she just seemed too special. But even to me my words sounded hollow and I knew somewhere deep down I had rejected her.
She listened to mes with a caring smile, silently encouraging me to continue. "No way I'd have refused anyone as interesting as you," I repeated the words without conviction. For some reason I felt safe with her, as if it didn't matter what I said or felt as long as if it was the truth, my sincere opinion. She'd accept me the same no matter what.
"If I had seen you, I would have walked over to you like I did today. Had you invited me to a hug, I'd be hard pressed to resist you. I just can't believe that I've rejected you. It feels wrong to me, just unreal."
She gave me one of those soft looks that makes your knees go weak ,"Yes, you didn't see me my friend, you choose not to. It is rather unreal."
I gabed at her words. I choose it? How was that possible? Again I protested while drawing her closer to me. "How could I choose not to see someone so special as you?" I peered at her eyes, hoping to find some logical explanation. She just shook her head, a patient smile playing over her lips and her eyes twinkling in merriment.
I couldn't have forgotten, could I. Or have been blind? Was it really true that I had decided not to see her? To ignore her invitations. Could it be that I had been too focused on myself and my own misery? The mystery of how I could have ignored her kept nudging me, but every time I tried to raise the question and get an answer she distracted me and changed the topic.
"How is the tea?" Again a nice manoeuvre and I had to admit I had forgotten all about the tea.
The conversation continued for hours. She made us another pot of tea and fund some cookies as well. We talked about everything between earth and sky. And even about things beneath as well. Most of the things we talked about was personal growth and psychology. Areas which interested us both a lot. She was an interesting conversations partner and loved to discuss topics from many different angles. She always seemed able to see a situation from the other side.
"You know, I don't think I can outsmart you in any discussion. You seem to see through all my traps as if I'm announcing them, " I said after a longer discussion about religion and politics.
She laughed warmly, "You're not easy to see through, but I know you." She winked at me, "Besides you tend to wrinkle your nose when you try to lure me into a counter argument you have planned. It's really cute, reminds me of a bunny I had."
"I've met my match," I lifted my hands and surrendered to her humorous wit with a laugh. She kept using her humour to ease tense moments during our discussions, which I appreciated.
As the night turned into dawn I found myself lying next to her, holding her closely and drifting into sleep. I think was falling in love with this woman. Something like this had never happened to me before. Falling for someone at first sight. For some reason she just make me feel complete.
She was fascinating. I felt drawn to her many qualities and attractive sides. It already felt like I knew her better than myself, and the more I had learned, the more I wanted to be with her. Sure she had some faults and less attractive sides, but all that truly mattered to me were the good ones. They outshone everything else. Both in numbers and in brightness. It was like comparing thousands of full-moons to a couple of candles on the lawn.
As I lay there with her in my arms I spoke to her, "You are very beautiful, and very special. You seem so happy and content, so at ease with yourself, in balance, accepting yourself. I have never known anyone like you." She smiled at my words and snuggled closer to me. Instinctual I withdrew, again feeling the conflict in me not being sure about the entire situation. Part of me wanted to refuse it all, to just run away and forget. But of course I couldn't and I surrendered to her closeness.
"I know," she said, "I listen to what people tell me, I try to be open-minded and accept their critique."
"But how can you do it? Don't you get hurt when they speak poorly of you?"
She shook her head, "No, I use their ways of seeing me, the way they see my faults and flaws as a tool to better understand myself. Their critique is helping me and I keep that in mind. It provides different views of myself, different perspectives."
"But for what, for what reason?" I wondered why it was so important to know other people's opinion of yourself, if that wasn't letting others judge you.
She chuckled. "To change of course. Once I see myself as I am, I can start working to change what I want to change."
I caressed her face slowly, wanting to check that she was real, "But how do you do it, how can you keep working with yourself like that?"
"It's a good question. It's a drive in me and I'm stubborn and will-full." she grinned at me, "I know I'm far from perfect and I want to be the best I can possibly be.
"You seem pretty perfect to me," I couldn't keep from teasing her. "Just look at you, all beautiful and very interesting."
She laughed warmly and said after a bit, "Seriously, I look at things and try to be realistic. I evaluate myself, look at what there is and what I don't like.
"How can there be things you don't like? I thought you accepted yourself fully?"
"I do accept myself," she said, "I also accept that I have faults and that I can do things to change them.
I considered her words and nodded. "How do you do it then? Changing yourself?"
"I go through the things I'm dissatisfied with in my life and sort it up in two lists." She nodded at my unspoken question, "One for the things I don't want to change, and one for the things I want to change. The stuff I want to change I then break down in small steps, and even smaller again, and then I just take one step at a time. It's really not more than that." She grinned again.
"I guess that's right," I scratched my nape while considering her words and then nodded for her to continue.
"It's easy to take just one step at a time," she said, "and focus on it. It's when you focus on the big goal that you lose faith in yourself." I grinned as I agreed. "Yeah, that's when you get overwhelmed and don't think you can do it." I nodded again and remembered the times I had give up on a thing precisely for that reason.
I considered her words for a while, taking my time to really absorb and try to understand her. "Do you try to become perfect?" I said a bit uncertain about if she was compulsive in her chase for bettering herself.
"No," she laughed genuinely amused, "I know that it's impossible. Nothing is perfect. Perfection is something to strive for, to reach for, but you can never reach it."
"But how do you avoid despair then? Striving for something that you know is impossible is just worthless?" I really tried to understand her but couldn't. "What's the point of striving for a goal you know is impossible? Isn't it just a waste of time and energy?"
"It's not worthless to strive for. It's not a waste of time. It's a way to make sure you'll always give your best." She grinned, "At least that's how I see it. Others will probably disagree with me. As long as I've given I best and I know I can't do better, then it's worthwhile for me. That's when I think you're reached the real goal. Perfection isn't the real goal. To me you've succeeded as long as you've given your best. It's about what you overcame, not where you ended."
I nodded to her words, "I really like that outlook." I said, "That it's about what you overcome and not where you end."
She smiled, "I know." Again this mysterious reference to our past that I couldn't make sense of. I wanted to confront her about tit again, but she fell asleep in my arms before I found the words. Instead I lay awake thinking about all the things she had said during the evening.
She was a dreamer as well, dreams that gave her hope to believe that things will truly change if only she works hard enough for it. "I know it's possible, I've seen it many times and I've done it. Dreams give me motivation and hope when things are tough."
I had smiled, "Ah, that's how you do it, how you keep going."
She nodded, "Yes, realistic dreams. The unrealistic dreams just destroy you." She had padded my thigh, "You've been been there yourself, dreaming dreams that were impossible."
"Yeah, too many times. I've begun not to believe in dreams."
She had gazed at my eyes with a burning expression. "Dreams will happen one day if only you believe in it and in yourself." Her positive outlook was striking, I really began to admire this in her.
"I know, deep down, that no matter what I really want I can reach that dream one day," she had smiled with confidence and then grinned at me, "if only I work hard enough for it and am fully dedicated. This is my truth."
This woman had insight and deep understanding. She knew she was her own greatest obstacle, not others. I had pondered that notion for a while, arguing with her for some time. Several times she had used her humour to east the situation.
Finally she had said, "It all comes down to how you view a situation and allows it to affect you. That is the real obstacle." Her words made me pause as I realized the truth of her statement.
She also firmly believed that there is no failure. "But how can there be no failure?" My doubt clearly showed in my expression.
"Because they're lessons. Everything that goes wrong serves to show you how not to do it next time. It gives you a whole bunch of f valuable information and insight you can use next time you try."
I almost shook my head in denial when I recall what I had once read about Edison and his countless attempts to create a light bulb. I laughed, "You're right, else we wouldn't have light now."
She nodded and with merriment shining out of her eyes said, "Precisely."
She was a strong fighter not allowing herself to give up. If she decided to fold a project or let go of a goal it was after careful consideration. She would analyse herself and try to figure out why she let go and her reasons behind it. And then she'd accept her decision and move on.
No matter how I had argued with her, I couldn't change her statement. "Anything can be changed if only we are willing to do the work." It almost sounded like a mantra the way she voiced the words. It became clear it was a hard learned lesson for her.
"There will always be things we are not willing to change," she had pointed out, "but that's our own decision, not that of others."
With a laugh I had agreed and had said, "Yes, you're right, at least as long as it's matters affecting yourself one way or another and doesn't defy the physical laws of the universe."
Strong determination, positive outlook, full of hope and faith, trusting and believing herself fully. I shook my head in disbelief. Could such a person really exist? It was only part of her fascinating character though. She was curious, always willing to explore new paths and avenues, even if it scared her, which became clear during our conversation.
"Oh, I've been scared, very scared. Scared of change, scared of success, scared of being happy." Again I stared at her, finding it very hard to believe. She nodded to me and continued, "I've been frozen with fear for what has faced me. Completely caught up in my emotions, letting them rule my actions and decisions. But, I couldn't let that stop me. I had to go on. I had to face my fears and conquer them."
"But how did you do that?" I searched her face for some answer, interestedly listening to her experiences.
"I did not give into my emotions and let them ruin me and set me up for failure." I had to tell myself over and over that it was just fear. That it was just me being scared of success" I had absorbed her words feeling the truth of them.
"Only by conquering my fears, only by fighting my horror could I move forward and truly change myself. I had to do it for myself, by myself. That was the only way it could really happen."
Softly I had said, "It must have been hard to do that."
She had smiled a little dreamy smile, "It was, but I had help. The best help out there. There's no shame in asking for help either, just remember that." I had watched her hoping for her to tell me more, but instead she said, "I need to grow and change. I just can't help it." She had grinned, "But I think you've already noticed that."
"Yes indeed, and I can see that," I had said with a laugh, "the passion is burning in your eyes."
"You know," squeezing my hand she had smiled, "Growth is the most important things there is, it is the purpose of life. Growth and knowledge. To grow and change for the better, to learn and become wise."
"So you think," I countered.
"Yes," She nodded, "That's my belief. I'm not asking you to share it." But I realized that I already did. Was this meeting really some odd coincidence? It seemed too perfect in a way. Fear again sent my heart racing, but if she noticed she didn't comment on it and just kept talking with me like nothing was unusual.
Another trait I admired in her was her love and compassion. She was so open and accepting, didn't judge me as I talked to her. She just seemed to accept me as I am. She would offer advice and show me how to change what I was dissatisfied with, but she didn't think less of me for having faults and errors. She would instead just reach out and support me to the best of her abilities. She had so much compassion to give that I at times became overwhelmed with emotions and tried to change the topic.
"Now you're doing it again," She had said, "trying to avoid talking about things."
"I'm not."
"Try and stop up for a moment and feel, feel how you really are." I had stared at her and wondered if she could see straight through me. With her support I faced my emotions and fears. She helped me change my negative views into constructive and positive tools for change.
I had laughed at her, "You're preaching your religion and converting me."
She had laughed for long moment before saying, "It's working I see."
Her compassion and care had become even more evident as she had spoken of her daughter.
"I love her, more than anything in the world. I would kill anyone who harms her, I know that. Like a lioness protecting her cubs." I had smiled at the image she painted and found the contract between her love and her passion refreshing. "She is the most important to me, the most intense and fulfilling love I have."
"What do you mean?"
"What I feel for her is completely unconditional. No matter what she does or whom she is or how she behaves, I love her."
I had smiled at her words, "Yes it sounds like unconditional love. A rare thing to find."
"Perhaps so, I would find it completely wrong if it wasn't what I felt for my daughter." The love had shone from her and became almost physical. How amazing wouldn't it be to be loved like that.
"I spoil her too much, I can't help it at times." She had lifted her hands in a defensive gesture and grinned, "But I am firm too, I set down the rules because a child needs that. They need firm rules and consistency." I had agreed with a nod while sipping my tea and kept listening to her.
"If you don't give them that, you're going to harm them in the long run. Undermine their confidence and stop them from growing up as capable adults."
"Yes, I recall reading something like that a while back."
She had smiled to me, "I did too." She left her gaze drift and said, "I would never harm her if I can avoid it. But I know it can't be avoided."
"Unfortunately," I had said patting her hand, "We're human after all."
"I analyse too much at times I must admit, but it helps me see when I make errors and mistakes. And once I see I've done a mistake I stop to fix it, to heal what might be broken."
"Not many can do that," I had said with a smile.
"Yes, but I'm not afraid of admitting I can be wrong or have been wrong. And I know that everybody make errors and are wrong at times."
"That's a fact, can't be avoided."
She had many thoughts and ideas which matched my own values. It seemed like she had spent much time thinking about it and how to give her daughter the best possible. "A family is the core," she had explained to me, "the base for a person. You must always be able to count on and trust family. You must always do right and help out where it's possible. Family, like the very best of friends are those always there and supportive."
I had said, "It's just a shame when it's not like that, when families split and fall apart over these things."
With a sigh she had leaned back and just nodded. I was about to speak when she had said, "It's about love though, that's the most important. Even if a family isn't' what you hope for. "She glanced at my eyes, "Focus on the love."
She tried to teach her daughter these qualities and tried to live by them. Her loyalty and dedication to her friends and loved ones seemed complete. She had said how she'd do anything in her power to help and protect them. Trust was an essential thing to her.
"Really, there's nothing worse than betraying trust," Her usual smile was gone, "It's the worst you can do to anyone, especially those who loves you and depends on you. This is one of the things I find the hardest to forgive. It's just so wrong."
I had agreed with her and said, "When you look at things happening, much of it is betrayal of trust. In all forms and variations."
She had smiled briefly at me, knowing precisely what I was talking about. Again this odd connection and us feeling the same about important things. A brief thrill of fear made my heart skip a beat.
I must have fallen asleep because I suddenly came to myself feeling cold. I realized she had slipped out of my arms and was in the kitchen making tea and toasts.
She came in with the breakfast greeting me with her warm smile, "Good morning," she said, "there's breakfast for you. I hope you slept well, for I slept like an angel. It's been so nice to lie with you again." Another wave of oddness washed over me, but I quickly pushed the feeling aside.
"Thanks, yeah, I slept great. It was very nice and relaxing. I've enjoyed lying close to you." I smile amused at her, "I didn't even notice I fell asleep."
She smiled at me, "I'm happy to hear that."
We ate our breakfast mostly in silence. I kept glancing at her, my heart skiping a beat every time I caught eye contact with her. I was seriously falling in love with this woman. It was rather unsettling, but at the same time something I wanted no matter how scared it made me.
Finishing my breakfast I turned to her and said, "Thank you so much for all you've done."
"You're most welcome," She smiled warmly at me.
"Talking to you has really helped me. And you've been so hospitable and generous that I lack words, so open and accepting, so insightful. I'm so grateful."
"It's nothing," she said while petting my hand, "it's been a real pleasure to have you here. It was the least I could do for you. Just let me know if there's more I can help you with."
I stared at her for a moment, again surprised by how freely she gave. Time, home, advice, food, compassion. Anything within her means.
She grinned at me once more and said, "Really, it's nothing. I'd do the same for anyone I cared about. You're not the first I've helped." The amusement shone from her eyes again.
I smiled and nodded, of course, it still didn't make it less in my eyes and I was about to tell her when I again was stricken by her beauty and smile. Wordless I saw how her inner happiness and strength shone out and animated her entire being. I sat there watching her eyes and got completely lost in them. They drew me into her, felt so inviting and surrounded me with warmth and attraction.
"I love you," I told her with my emotions chocking my voice and tears showing in my eyes. The words were overwhelming me with their intensity. I swallowed thickly waiting for her reaction. I knew I had never meant those three words as much before as I did in that moment. To anybody in my life. My heart raced with shock and realization as I heard her response.
"I know," she said, "I am you."
12/29/2008
12/23/2008
My best friend - 2nd draft
I stopped up and looked again. That face was familiar, I had seen it somewhere before. I walked over to her and said hello. She greeted me with a big smile, "Hello my dear old friend. It's so nice to see you again."
I paused, a bit puzzled. My best friend? When she reached her arms out to hug me, I couldn't resist her and I gave her a big hug back. It felt good, as if something missing had just returned. I was whole again, completely content. I couldn't help but grin and then laugh with the joy as I felt her against me. This was wonderful.
After what felt like an eternity she stepped back. Holding my shoulders she looked me into the eyes and asked me, "How are you?"
"I'm fine," the usual answer. She grinned at me and said, "I asked, how are you?" She looked me into the eyes again, seeing more than anyone should see. "How are you really my dearest friend. Deep inside?" Her words penetrated me. I stood there just looking at her, feeling scared for some reason. I stammered a few words before clearing my throat, "Perhaps we should go somewhere else. I know of a nice café nearby."
She brightened at my words and instantly said, "Let's go to my place, you're always welcome and it's been so long."
I hesitated briefly before I was taken by her spirited energy. Who was this woman I instantly was falling in love with? I just wanted to open completely to her and let her in to see everything.
Her apartment was warm and welcoming. I felt at home instantly. It was a strange mix of styles and personalities, but I liked it. Perhaps because it was what I'd have done had I the courage.
Full of energy and happiness she directed me to a deep couch. With a grin she asked me if I still prefered Pu-erh tea and with a laugh I answered yes. "I do too," she said from the kitchen, "I just love that fermented, earthly flavour it has. "
I was amazed, "Yes, that's it," I called to her while settling in the couch, pulling a blanket over my legs. The same green as a beech forest on an early summer day, the same green as my favourite shirt.
She brought the tea and sat down next to me. Holding the steaming cup with one hand, I wrapped my other arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. With laughter she complied and snuggled against me. "You know, it's been too long since you've done that," she said while smiling at my eyes. "I've wanted to hug you so many times over these last years, but you've always been so distant, rejecting everything I tried."
I stared at her. What was she talking about? I was certain that I'd never refuse a hug from her. She was just too wonderful and amazing. Someone I couldn't resist. Alone looking at her made me smile, filled me with laughter.
"I can't imagine ever rejecting you," I said with a smile while squeezing her. "This is odd." I scanned her face again. "I feel it like I know you, like I've known you all my life. Like you've always been there. And yet, when you say things like me ignoring you for too long, I get confused." I smiled at her, a bit worried about her reaction. "I look upon you, hear you, feel you and I know instantly that you're a person I love and am attracted to. You're so beautiful, so full of life, so open, so loving. And I can't imagine myself ever refusing you anything or not want to spend time with you."
She listened to my words with a brilliant smile, silently encouraging me to continue. I felt safe with her, as if it didn't matter what I said or felt as long as if it was the truth, my sincere opinion. She'd love me the same no matter what.
"If I had seen you, I would have walked over to you like I did today. Had you invited me to a hug, I wouldn't have been able to resist it. I can't believe that I've rejected you. It seems completely wrong."
She gave me one of those soft loving looks that makes your knees go weak ,"Yes, you didn't see me my friend, you choose not to."
I gabed at her words. I choose it? How was that possible? Again I protested while drawing her closer to me. "How could I choose not to see someone as radiant as you?" I peered at her eyes, hoping to find some logical explanation. She just shook her head, a patient smile playing over her lips and her eyes twinkling in merriment. She distracted me by asking how I found the tea. To be honest, I had forgotten all about it.
The conversation continued for hours. She made us another pot of tea and fund some cookies as well. The topics ranged wide. We talked about everything between earth and sky. And even about something beneath as well. She was a wonderful conversation partner. Loved to discuss topics form many different angles, always able to see a situation from the other side. Her wit was sharp, her intelligence keen and easily a match for my own. She had a wonderful sense of humour and would joke or laugh often to ease the tension when the discussion became heated.
As the night turned into dawn I found myself lying next to her, holding her closely and drifting into sleep. I was in love with this woman. Like I had never loved anyone before. I felt complete.
She was amazing. So many qualities and attractive sides. I already felt I knew her better than myself, and the more I had learned, the more I loved her. Sure she had some faults and less attractive sides, but all I could see, all that truly mattered were the good ones. They outshone everything else. Both in numbers and in brightness. It was like comparing thousands of full-moons to a couple of candles on the lawn.
As I lay there with her in my arms I spoke to her, "You are so beautiful, so amazing. You seem so happy and content, so at ease with yourself, in balance, accepting yourself. I have never known anyone like you." She smiled at my words and snuggled closer to me.
"I know," she said, "I listen to what people tell me, I try to be open-minded and accept their critique. I use their ways of seeing me, the way they see my faults and flaws and use that as at tool to better understand myself. Once I see myself as I am, I can start working to change what I want to change."
I caressed her face tenderly, "But how do you do it, how can you keep working with yourself like that?"
"I'm stubborn and will-full, that's why," she grinned at me, "But seriously, I look at things and try to be realistic. I evaluate myself, look at what there is and what I don't like. Then I go through the things I'm dissatisfied with in my life and sort it up in two lists. One for the things I don't want to change, and one for the things I want to change. The stuff I want to change I then break down in small steps, and even smaller again, and then I just take one step at a time. It's really not more than that. It's easy to take just one step and focus on that. It's when you focus on the big goal that you lose faith in yourself. That's when you get overwhelmed and don't think you can do it."
I considered her words and agreed. "Do you try to become perfect," I said a bit uncertain about if she was compulsive in her chase for bettering herself.
"No," she laughed genuinely amused, "I know that nothing can be perfect, it's impossible. Perfection is something to strive for, to reach for, but you can never reach it."
"But how do you avoid despair? Striving for something that you know is impossible is just worthless?"
"It's not worthless to strive for, not as long as you know you've given your best and you can't do better. Then you've reached the real goal. Perfection isn't the real goal. As long as you've given your best, then you've succeeded."
She fell asleep in my arms and I lay awake thinking about this woman next to me.
She was a dreamer as well, dreams that gave her hope to believe that things will truly change if only she works hard enough for it. Dreams to give her motivation. But not these unrealistic dreams,. The dreams were the real sort. "Dreams will happen one day if only you believe in it and in yourself," she had said the words with conviction and determination. Her positive outlook was striking, I truly admired this in her.
"I know, deep down, that no matter what I really want I can reach any dream one day," she had smiled with confidence and grinned at me, "if only I work hard enough for it and am dedicated. I know this as deeply as I know I'm a woman and that I'm alive."
This impressive woman had insight and deep understanding. She knew she was her own greatest obstacle, not others. She also firmly believed that there is no failure, but only lessons to be learned, attempts to try to become better and finding the best path to success. No matter how success is defined. She was a fighter not allowing herself to give up. If she let go a project it was after careful consideration of if she was truly willing to pay and sacrifice to obtain the goal or not.
No matter how I argued with her, she'd say that anything can be changed if only we are willing to do the work. There would always be things we are not willing to change, but that's our own decision, not that of others. With a laugh I had agreed and had said, "Yes, you're right, at least as long as it's matters affecting yourself one way or another and doesn't defy the physical laws of the universe."
Strong determination, positive outlook, full of hope and faith, trusting and believing herself fully. These were only part of her fascinating character. She was curious, always willing to explore new paths and avenues, even if it scared her.
"Oh, I've been scared, very scared. Scared of change, scared of success, scared of being happy. I've been frozen with fear for what has faced me. But, I couldn't let that stop me. I had to go on. I had to face my fears and conquer them. Not give into my emotions and let them ruin me and set me up for failure. Only by conquering my fears, only by fighting my horror could I move forward and truly change myself. I had to do it for myself, by myself. I just can't help it, I need to grow and change."
"I can see that," I had said with a grin, "the passion is burning in your eyes."
"You know," squeezing my hand she had smiled, "Growth is the most important things there is, it is the purpose of life. Growth and knowledge. To grow and change for the better, to learn and become wise."
Another trait I admired in her was her love and compassion. She was so open and accepting, didn't judge me as I talked to her. She just accepted me as I am. She would offer advice and help me to change what I was dissatisfied with, but she didn't think less of me for having faults and errors. She would instead just reach out and support me to the best of her abilities. She had so much love to give that I at times became overwhelmed. It was an unconditional love.
This became even more evident as she had spoken of her daughter.
"I love her, more than anything in the world. I would kill anyone who harm her, I know that. Like a lioness protecting her cubs. She is the most important to me, the most intense and fulfilling love I have. What I feel for her is completely unconditional. No matter what she does or whom she is or how she behaves, I love her."
The love had shined from her and became almost physical.
"I spoil her too much, I can't help it at times. But I am firm too, I set down the rules because a child needs that. They need firm rules and consistency. If you don't give them that, you're going to harm them in the long run. Undermine their confidence and stop them from growing up as capable adults. I would never harm her if I can avoid it. But I know it can't be avoided. I analyse too much at times I must admit, but it helps me see when I make errors and mistakes. And once I see I've done a mistake I stop to fix it, to heal what might be broken. I'm not afraid of admitting I can be wrong or have been wrong. Everybody make errors and are wrong at times."
"A family is the core," she had explained to me, "the base for a person. You must always be able to count on and trust family. You must always do right and help out where it's possible. Family, like the very best of friends are those always there and supportive."
She tried to teach her daughter these qualities and tried to live by them. Loyalty and dedication to her friends and loved ones were complete. She would do anything in her power to help and protect them. Trust was an essential thing to her and betrayal of trust was probably the worse you could do. In all shades and variations.
I must have fallen asleep because I suddenly came to myself feeling cold. Then I realized she had slipped out of my arms and were in the kitchen making tea and toasts.
She came in with the breakfast greeting me with her warm smile, "Good morning," she said, "there's breakfast for you. I hope you slept well, for I slept like an angel. It's been so nice to lie with you again."
"Thanks, yeah, I slept great. At peace and fully relaxed. I didn't even notice I fell asleep."
She smiled at me, "I'm happy to hear that."
We ate our breakfast mostly in silence. I kept glancing at her, my heart skiping a beat every time I caught eye contact with her. I had seriously fallen in love with this woman.
Finishing my breakfast I turned to her and said, "Thank you so much for all you've done. Talking to you has really helped me. And you've been so hospitable and generous that I lack words, so open and accepting, so insightful. I'm so grateful."
"It's nothing," she said, "it's been a real pleasure to have you here. It was the least I could do for you. Just let me know if there's more I can help you with."
I stared at her for a moment, again surprised by how freely she gave. Time, home, advice, food, love. Anything within her means.
She grinned at me once more and said, "Really, it's nothing. I'd do the same for anyone I cared about. You're not the first I've helped." The amusement shone from her eyes again.
I smiled and nodded, of course, it still didn't make it less in my view and I was about to tell her when I again was stricken by her beauty and smile. By how her inner happiness and strength just shone out and animated her entire being. I sat there watching her eyes, completely absorbed in this woman.
"I love you," I told her with emotions chocking my voice and tears showing in my eyes. The words were much more intense and affecting me more than I had thought they would.
"I know," she said, "I am you."
I paused, a bit puzzled. My best friend? When she reached her arms out to hug me, I couldn't resist her and I gave her a big hug back. It felt good, as if something missing had just returned. I was whole again, completely content. I couldn't help but grin and then laugh with the joy as I felt her against me. This was wonderful.
After what felt like an eternity she stepped back. Holding my shoulders she looked me into the eyes and asked me, "How are you?"
"I'm fine," the usual answer. She grinned at me and said, "I asked, how are you?" She looked me into the eyes again, seeing more than anyone should see. "How are you really my dearest friend. Deep inside?" Her words penetrated me. I stood there just looking at her, feeling scared for some reason. I stammered a few words before clearing my throat, "Perhaps we should go somewhere else. I know of a nice café nearby."
She brightened at my words and instantly said, "Let's go to my place, you're always welcome and it's been so long."
I hesitated briefly before I was taken by her spirited energy. Who was this woman I instantly was falling in love with? I just wanted to open completely to her and let her in to see everything.
Her apartment was warm and welcoming. I felt at home instantly. It was a strange mix of styles and personalities, but I liked it. Perhaps because it was what I'd have done had I the courage.
Full of energy and happiness she directed me to a deep couch. With a grin she asked me if I still prefered Pu-erh tea and with a laugh I answered yes. "I do too," she said from the kitchen, "I just love that fermented, earthly flavour it has. "
I was amazed, "Yes, that's it," I called to her while settling in the couch, pulling a blanket over my legs. The same green as a beech forest on an early summer day, the same green as my favourite shirt.
She brought the tea and sat down next to me. Holding the steaming cup with one hand, I wrapped my other arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. With laughter she complied and snuggled against me. "You know, it's been too long since you've done that," she said while smiling at my eyes. "I've wanted to hug you so many times over these last years, but you've always been so distant, rejecting everything I tried."
I stared at her. What was she talking about? I was certain that I'd never refuse a hug from her. She was just too wonderful and amazing. Someone I couldn't resist. Alone looking at her made me smile, filled me with laughter.
"I can't imagine ever rejecting you," I said with a smile while squeezing her. "This is odd." I scanned her face again. "I feel it like I know you, like I've known you all my life. Like you've always been there. And yet, when you say things like me ignoring you for too long, I get confused." I smiled at her, a bit worried about her reaction. "I look upon you, hear you, feel you and I know instantly that you're a person I love and am attracted to. You're so beautiful, so full of life, so open, so loving. And I can't imagine myself ever refusing you anything or not want to spend time with you."
She listened to my words with a brilliant smile, silently encouraging me to continue. I felt safe with her, as if it didn't matter what I said or felt as long as if it was the truth, my sincere opinion. She'd love me the same no matter what.
"If I had seen you, I would have walked over to you like I did today. Had you invited me to a hug, I wouldn't have been able to resist it. I can't believe that I've rejected you. It seems completely wrong."
She gave me one of those soft loving looks that makes your knees go weak ,"Yes, you didn't see me my friend, you choose not to."
I gabed at her words. I choose it? How was that possible? Again I protested while drawing her closer to me. "How could I choose not to see someone as radiant as you?" I peered at her eyes, hoping to find some logical explanation. She just shook her head, a patient smile playing over her lips and her eyes twinkling in merriment. She distracted me by asking how I found the tea. To be honest, I had forgotten all about it.
The conversation continued for hours. She made us another pot of tea and fund some cookies as well. The topics ranged wide. We talked about everything between earth and sky. And even about something beneath as well. She was a wonderful conversation partner. Loved to discuss topics form many different angles, always able to see a situation from the other side. Her wit was sharp, her intelligence keen and easily a match for my own. She had a wonderful sense of humour and would joke or laugh often to ease the tension when the discussion became heated.
As the night turned into dawn I found myself lying next to her, holding her closely and drifting into sleep. I was in love with this woman. Like I had never loved anyone before. I felt complete.
She was amazing. So many qualities and attractive sides. I already felt I knew her better than myself, and the more I had learned, the more I loved her. Sure she had some faults and less attractive sides, but all I could see, all that truly mattered were the good ones. They outshone everything else. Both in numbers and in brightness. It was like comparing thousands of full-moons to a couple of candles on the lawn.
As I lay there with her in my arms I spoke to her, "You are so beautiful, so amazing. You seem so happy and content, so at ease with yourself, in balance, accepting yourself. I have never known anyone like you." She smiled at my words and snuggled closer to me.
"I know," she said, "I listen to what people tell me, I try to be open-minded and accept their critique. I use their ways of seeing me, the way they see my faults and flaws and use that as at tool to better understand myself. Once I see myself as I am, I can start working to change what I want to change."
I caressed her face tenderly, "But how do you do it, how can you keep working with yourself like that?"
"I'm stubborn and will-full, that's why," she grinned at me, "But seriously, I look at things and try to be realistic. I evaluate myself, look at what there is and what I don't like. Then I go through the things I'm dissatisfied with in my life and sort it up in two lists. One for the things I don't want to change, and one for the things I want to change. The stuff I want to change I then break down in small steps, and even smaller again, and then I just take one step at a time. It's really not more than that. It's easy to take just one step and focus on that. It's when you focus on the big goal that you lose faith in yourself. That's when you get overwhelmed and don't think you can do it."
I considered her words and agreed. "Do you try to become perfect," I said a bit uncertain about if she was compulsive in her chase for bettering herself.
"No," she laughed genuinely amused, "I know that nothing can be perfect, it's impossible. Perfection is something to strive for, to reach for, but you can never reach it."
"But how do you avoid despair? Striving for something that you know is impossible is just worthless?"
"It's not worthless to strive for, not as long as you know you've given your best and you can't do better. Then you've reached the real goal. Perfection isn't the real goal. As long as you've given your best, then you've succeeded."
She fell asleep in my arms and I lay awake thinking about this woman next to me.
She was a dreamer as well, dreams that gave her hope to believe that things will truly change if only she works hard enough for it. Dreams to give her motivation. But not these unrealistic dreams,. The dreams were the real sort. "Dreams will happen one day if only you believe in it and in yourself," she had said the words with conviction and determination. Her positive outlook was striking, I truly admired this in her.
"I know, deep down, that no matter what I really want I can reach any dream one day," she had smiled with confidence and grinned at me, "if only I work hard enough for it and am dedicated. I know this as deeply as I know I'm a woman and that I'm alive."
This impressive woman had insight and deep understanding. She knew she was her own greatest obstacle, not others. She also firmly believed that there is no failure, but only lessons to be learned, attempts to try to become better and finding the best path to success. No matter how success is defined. She was a fighter not allowing herself to give up. If she let go a project it was after careful consideration of if she was truly willing to pay and sacrifice to obtain the goal or not.
No matter how I argued with her, she'd say that anything can be changed if only we are willing to do the work. There would always be things we are not willing to change, but that's our own decision, not that of others. With a laugh I had agreed and had said, "Yes, you're right, at least as long as it's matters affecting yourself one way or another and doesn't defy the physical laws of the universe."
Strong determination, positive outlook, full of hope and faith, trusting and believing herself fully. These were only part of her fascinating character. She was curious, always willing to explore new paths and avenues, even if it scared her.
"Oh, I've been scared, very scared. Scared of change, scared of success, scared of being happy. I've been frozen with fear for what has faced me. But, I couldn't let that stop me. I had to go on. I had to face my fears and conquer them. Not give into my emotions and let them ruin me and set me up for failure. Only by conquering my fears, only by fighting my horror could I move forward and truly change myself. I had to do it for myself, by myself. I just can't help it, I need to grow and change."
"I can see that," I had said with a grin, "the passion is burning in your eyes."
"You know," squeezing my hand she had smiled, "Growth is the most important things there is, it is the purpose of life. Growth and knowledge. To grow and change for the better, to learn and become wise."
Another trait I admired in her was her love and compassion. She was so open and accepting, didn't judge me as I talked to her. She just accepted me as I am. She would offer advice and help me to change what I was dissatisfied with, but she didn't think less of me for having faults and errors. She would instead just reach out and support me to the best of her abilities. She had so much love to give that I at times became overwhelmed. It was an unconditional love.
This became even more evident as she had spoken of her daughter.
"I love her, more than anything in the world. I would kill anyone who harm her, I know that. Like a lioness protecting her cubs. She is the most important to me, the most intense and fulfilling love I have. What I feel for her is completely unconditional. No matter what she does or whom she is or how she behaves, I love her."
The love had shined from her and became almost physical.
"I spoil her too much, I can't help it at times. But I am firm too, I set down the rules because a child needs that. They need firm rules and consistency. If you don't give them that, you're going to harm them in the long run. Undermine their confidence and stop them from growing up as capable adults. I would never harm her if I can avoid it. But I know it can't be avoided. I analyse too much at times I must admit, but it helps me see when I make errors and mistakes. And once I see I've done a mistake I stop to fix it, to heal what might be broken. I'm not afraid of admitting I can be wrong or have been wrong. Everybody make errors and are wrong at times."
"A family is the core," she had explained to me, "the base for a person. You must always be able to count on and trust family. You must always do right and help out where it's possible. Family, like the very best of friends are those always there and supportive."
She tried to teach her daughter these qualities and tried to live by them. Loyalty and dedication to her friends and loved ones were complete. She would do anything in her power to help and protect them. Trust was an essential thing to her and betrayal of trust was probably the worse you could do. In all shades and variations.
I must have fallen asleep because I suddenly came to myself feeling cold. Then I realized she had slipped out of my arms and were in the kitchen making tea and toasts.
She came in with the breakfast greeting me with her warm smile, "Good morning," she said, "there's breakfast for you. I hope you slept well, for I slept like an angel. It's been so nice to lie with you again."
"Thanks, yeah, I slept great. At peace and fully relaxed. I didn't even notice I fell asleep."
She smiled at me, "I'm happy to hear that."
We ate our breakfast mostly in silence. I kept glancing at her, my heart skiping a beat every time I caught eye contact with her. I had seriously fallen in love with this woman.
Finishing my breakfast I turned to her and said, "Thank you so much for all you've done. Talking to you has really helped me. And you've been so hospitable and generous that I lack words, so open and accepting, so insightful. I'm so grateful."
"It's nothing," she said, "it's been a real pleasure to have you here. It was the least I could do for you. Just let me know if there's more I can help you with."
I stared at her for a moment, again surprised by how freely she gave. Time, home, advice, food, love. Anything within her means.
She grinned at me once more and said, "Really, it's nothing. I'd do the same for anyone I cared about. You're not the first I've helped." The amusement shone from her eyes again.
I smiled and nodded, of course, it still didn't make it less in my view and I was about to tell her when I again was stricken by her beauty and smile. By how her inner happiness and strength just shone out and animated her entire being. I sat there watching her eyes, completely absorbed in this woman.
"I love you," I told her with emotions chocking my voice and tears showing in my eyes. The words were much more intense and affecting me more than I had thought they would.
"I know," she said, "I am you."
12/14/2008
Fading memories
Softly the horizon glows, embers of released passion
setting as the sun through darkened and cold waters
tastes of delight lingering long upon sensual lips
reminding of what was only too brief an encounter
Moments together, closely shared with fire burning
with wild roars and flames in happy days together
so hot that it kept the memories heated for months
an afterglow which came after intimate encounters
As the day fades into twilight and darkens to night
so do memories fade to become a memory of a memory
the intense feelings just a shade of what they were
disappearing into darkness where only a scent lingers
setting as the sun through darkened and cold waters
tastes of delight lingering long upon sensual lips
reminding of what was only too brief an encounter
Moments together, closely shared with fire burning
with wild roars and flames in happy days together
so hot that it kept the memories heated for months
an afterglow which came after intimate encounters
As the day fades into twilight and darkens to night
so do memories fade to become a memory of a memory
the intense feelings just a shade of what they were
disappearing into darkness where only a scent lingers
12/12/2008
Reward
Touching upon cloud rims a bright beam from a hidden sun
Under layers thick a burning flame ready to consume
To break free from this prison of restraint to be with you
This wild passion longing for release given in touch and kisses
Wild roars echo into the sky high in triumph and victory
This is what the deep pits and tall peeks conquered were for
Now with confidence to claim this which is rightly mine
Fully deserved by time long, struggle intense and my worth
Here the rays break free from the thick covers in the sky
Bathing the scenery in revealing light and heated touch
All shadows cast away leaving me naked upon the ground
Bared before you in all my beauty now together we belong
Under layers thick a burning flame ready to consume
To break free from this prison of restraint to be with you
This wild passion longing for release given in touch and kisses
Wild roars echo into the sky high in triumph and victory
This is what the deep pits and tall peeks conquered were for
Now with confidence to claim this which is rightly mine
Fully deserved by time long, struggle intense and my worth
Here the rays break free from the thick covers in the sky
Bathing the scenery in revealing light and heated touch
All shadows cast away leaving me naked upon the ground
Bared before you in all my beauty now together we belong
10/29/2008
Cleaning
Washing of layer after layer, removing the dirt
Gathered over the years, brown muck staining
The white walls with their random patterns and pictures
Mark after mark, lines and stains, drawn by clumsy
Hands which knew no better how to decorate the surface.
Scrubbing and washing, hot water and soap, taking
Away the signs of life that has been lived within
This room which is part of a home filled with love.
Arms getting sore, the hard work strains the muscles
Which have not been trained for this sort of job, but
None the less it must be done, to clean the surface
To prepare it and make it new again, so real decoration
Can be put up, showing what magnificent a home this is.
White clean walls brighten the room, promises new
Beginnings and opportunities, a new way to create
An unique inviting room with warmth, peace and love.
Gathered over the years, brown muck staining
The white walls with their random patterns and pictures
Mark after mark, lines and stains, drawn by clumsy
Hands which knew no better how to decorate the surface.
Scrubbing and washing, hot water and soap, taking
Away the signs of life that has been lived within
This room which is part of a home filled with love.
Arms getting sore, the hard work strains the muscles
Which have not been trained for this sort of job, but
None the less it must be done, to clean the surface
To prepare it and make it new again, so real decoration
Can be put up, showing what magnificent a home this is.
White clean walls brighten the room, promises new
Beginnings and opportunities, a new way to create
An unique inviting room with warmth, peace and love.
10/11/2008
A memory of Chicago - part 3
Justice, the concept seemed out of our hands. What could we do as dead. As ghosts? But I had to believe, I needed that hope that somehow we could make wrong right again.
Anna voiced my doubts, "Do you really think that's possible? What can we do? We're stuck here." "I do not know. But together we must be able to come up with something. " I tried to sound convincing. "Like what? We can't even move the flames of the candle. How in God's name would we be able to get justice." Anna had a valid point and I had no answer. Some of my hope faded and I guess my expression was clear to those around.
"Certainly there must be a way," Carina said, "just look at all those ghost stories we have heard as children, the rattling chains, the slamming doors. Stories like that just don't happen on their own, there must be a reason for it." I paused, and so did Anna. I could see how this information sent her mind spinning. Silvia went to one of the candles. She crouched next to it and moved her hand through the flame. Nothing happened. She tried again.
"But how do they do it?" Anna paused gazing at the candles and Silvia. "Do we just touch things and they move? Or does it take more, something else?" I glanced at Silvia and Anna, uncertain of what to do.
"It doesn't seem to work." Silvia's voice was curious, "It must be possible, one way or another, somehow." Silvia tried again, but the flame remained unmoving. "Surely there's a way," she said, while trying again and again. "Perhaps if I focus enough on it." She sat there, gazing intently at the flame and kept moving her hand through it. The rest of us drifted closer, watching what she was trying.
"If the stories are true, that is." Anna straightened her back, "Do you really think you can do it?" Silvia glanced at Anna, "Sure I can, if only I try hard enough. Anything is possible." Silvia returned to her task, determined to succeed. Anna huffed, her unspoken skepticism clearly showed.
"But what difference is it gonna make if ya can make a flame move? That won't bring us justice ya know. Justice would be to kill him, to make him suffer like he did us." Helena again tried to take charge of the situation.
"How are you going to kill him if you can't touch him, Helena?", Anna said, "I don't think hurting him will bring any justice. Forgiveness is what God teaches us. We must forgive him to leave here, to go to Heaven. Why else are we not already with God? Why are we here in this room?"
That question made us all pause. "What are you saying, aren't we going to Heaven? Is this our punishment?" Sheila sounded very scared.
"Perhaps, perhaps it's because," Maria's quiet voice came as a surprise. She hesitated and I sent her a small encouraging smile. "Perhaps it's because we're meant to do something." She dropped her gaze and quickly mumbled, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."
Anna voiced my doubts, "Do you really think that's possible? What can we do? We're stuck here." "I do not know. But together we must be able to come up with something. " I tried to sound convincing. "Like what? We can't even move the flames of the candle. How in God's name would we be able to get justice." Anna had a valid point and I had no answer. Some of my hope faded and I guess my expression was clear to those around.
"Certainly there must be a way," Carina said, "just look at all those ghost stories we have heard as children, the rattling chains, the slamming doors. Stories like that just don't happen on their own, there must be a reason for it." I paused, and so did Anna. I could see how this information sent her mind spinning. Silvia went to one of the candles. She crouched next to it and moved her hand through the flame. Nothing happened. She tried again.
"But how do they do it?" Anna paused gazing at the candles and Silvia. "Do we just touch things and they move? Or does it take more, something else?" I glanced at Silvia and Anna, uncertain of what to do.
"It doesn't seem to work." Silvia's voice was curious, "It must be possible, one way or another, somehow." Silvia tried again, but the flame remained unmoving. "Surely there's a way," she said, while trying again and again. "Perhaps if I focus enough on it." She sat there, gazing intently at the flame and kept moving her hand through it. The rest of us drifted closer, watching what she was trying.
"If the stories are true, that is." Anna straightened her back, "Do you really think you can do it?" Silvia glanced at Anna, "Sure I can, if only I try hard enough. Anything is possible." Silvia returned to her task, determined to succeed. Anna huffed, her unspoken skepticism clearly showed.
"But what difference is it gonna make if ya can make a flame move? That won't bring us justice ya know. Justice would be to kill him, to make him suffer like he did us." Helena again tried to take charge of the situation.
"How are you going to kill him if you can't touch him, Helena?", Anna said, "I don't think hurting him will bring any justice. Forgiveness is what God teaches us. We must forgive him to leave here, to go to Heaven. Why else are we not already with God? Why are we here in this room?"
That question made us all pause. "What are you saying, aren't we going to Heaven? Is this our punishment?" Sheila sounded very scared.
"Perhaps, perhaps it's because," Maria's quiet voice came as a surprise. She hesitated and I sent her a small encouraging smile. "Perhaps it's because we're meant to do something." She dropped her gaze and quickly mumbled, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."
10/10/2008
A memory of Chicago - part 2
The room was silent. The bodies lay unmoving on the floor, not even their ghosts moved. Shock penetrated the very air I no longer breathed. One by one I noticed how the other girls realized their own death. Agony tearing over their faces, voiceless screams filling the void where life had once run.
Their reaction was not so different from my own, and yet, they seemed unable to think, to step out of their fear. They did not see each other or me, only their bodies before them. One paced the room restlessly, unable to keep still for more than a brief moment. Others knelt by their bodies, touching it with disbelief. Over and over reliving the moment of horror and betrayal when their life was taken from them. The fair-haired girl just stood there, staring at the wall. Completely numb, reflecting my own feelings. Another of the girls tried to kick the candles standing on the floor, but each time she tried nothing happened. Only the flame flickered so very briefly that I suspected it was a figment of my imagination.
I turned my back to the room, needing to get away from it, to forget what had happened. I stared out of the window as time passed. The night deepened only to grow lighter again. Shapes became recognizable figures in the fog, the nightman walked down the street when the world had become a light grey. One after the other he extinguished the lights, whistling his usual happy tune. Slowly the street woke to life, water poured out of a window opposite me, the early workers trudging towards the harbour, the man delivering at the doorsteps and tussled women quickly grabbing the bottles before hurrying inside.
For a blissful moment I forgot all about the scene behind me. I marvelled in the sounds and views the street below me provided. As if seeing it for the first time. I wondered why I had never noticed all the details before. Completely taken by the life before me, I felt a sudden pang of regret. I was dead. I would never again taste the fresh bread from the bakery, never taste mamas tomato sauce and pasta, never hear my little brother laugh with joy, never pet the cat who visited me in the early evenings.
Finally I returned to the situation before me. The life outside the window was me denied, it would never be mine again. Staring at the carnage in front of me, I felt a strong anger. Anger at the man who had taken my life. Anger at the betrayal. It fired me like a hungry flame, willing me into action. I had to do something. This ritual we had all been involved in was certainly no act of God. With burning passion I knew I had to find justice. I had to make sure this man, this devil, never again would take the life of another.
I stepped into the room, carefully avoiding the bodies lying on the floor. I would not look at them. Looking at the blood and death would just send me back into the numb scream again. I could not allow for that to happen. Slowly I made my way to the fair-haired girl and stood before her her. She did not react, it was like she couldn't see me. I waved my hands at her face and only a flicker in her eyes was returned. "Sheila, do you hear me?" Another flicker and I had hope I could get through to her. "Sheila, listen to me, you got to break out of that, we got to do something." Confusion coloured her expression and slowly her focus shifted. I smiled at her, though faintly. There was not much to smile about. "Yes?" Hesitation slured her words. Perhaps it was better for her to just forget about the pain. I shook my head, no, we had to work together to deal with this. I could not do it on my own. We had all be wronged.
"Sheila," speaking her name seemed to have the most effect, and I repeated it until she finally focused on me. "What happened? Why am I here?" I watched her eyes. Uncertain of what to say or do, I gave her time. "Why am I not feeling anything? Where am I?" She took her eyes of me and turned to the room. A scream escaped her lips and she covered her face with her hands. "No!" The pain in her voice was tangible. "I can't be dead, it can't be true. It was just a bad dream, a dream. He wouldn't do this, he couldn't."
The others in the room slowly turned their attention to us and drifted closer. Sheila saw them come and stepped backward. She held up her hands as if to protect herself. "No, he couldn't have, why would he, I loved him." So that was why she had joined us. Love. A romantic dream. I felt for her. His betrayal of her was greater than of me. A sudden flash of insight, and I knew that he had played us all. Appealing to our dreams, to what we desired. He had known Sheila's love and promised her it would be returned. Just like he had promised me a change, a chance to escape my poor life.
This made me wonder what promises he had given the others. It was easy to guess Helena, her desire for power and control had always been poorly hidden. It was also she who spoke now. "It's obvious, isn't it Sheila." He betrayed us, he murdered us." Sheila closed her eyes, trying to deny the facts before her, but Helena continued, "He is a fraud. A mean bastard. Ya're a fool to listen to him, an idiot." Sheila shrank even more and tried to hide behind me. "No, he loved me, he told me he loved me." Helena snorted, "Yeah right, and I'm the queen of Sheba. Look lass, he fooled us all and killed us all. Stop ya whining, ya can't change what happened anyway."
"No, but we can do something about it." I stepped forward, my anger once again fuelling me into action I would not have dared in the past. "We can do something about it, we can get justice."
Their reaction was not so different from my own, and yet, they seemed unable to think, to step out of their fear. They did not see each other or me, only their bodies before them. One paced the room restlessly, unable to keep still for more than a brief moment. Others knelt by their bodies, touching it with disbelief. Over and over reliving the moment of horror and betrayal when their life was taken from them. The fair-haired girl just stood there, staring at the wall. Completely numb, reflecting my own feelings. Another of the girls tried to kick the candles standing on the floor, but each time she tried nothing happened. Only the flame flickered so very briefly that I suspected it was a figment of my imagination.
I turned my back to the room, needing to get away from it, to forget what had happened. I stared out of the window as time passed. The night deepened only to grow lighter again. Shapes became recognizable figures in the fog, the nightman walked down the street when the world had become a light grey. One after the other he extinguished the lights, whistling his usual happy tune. Slowly the street woke to life, water poured out of a window opposite me, the early workers trudging towards the harbour, the man delivering at the doorsteps and tussled women quickly grabbing the bottles before hurrying inside.
For a blissful moment I forgot all about the scene behind me. I marvelled in the sounds and views the street below me provided. As if seeing it for the first time. I wondered why I had never noticed all the details before. Completely taken by the life before me, I felt a sudden pang of regret. I was dead. I would never again taste the fresh bread from the bakery, never taste mamas tomato sauce and pasta, never hear my little brother laugh with joy, never pet the cat who visited me in the early evenings.
Finally I returned to the situation before me. The life outside the window was me denied, it would never be mine again. Staring at the carnage in front of me, I felt a strong anger. Anger at the man who had taken my life. Anger at the betrayal. It fired me like a hungry flame, willing me into action. I had to do something. This ritual we had all been involved in was certainly no act of God. With burning passion I knew I had to find justice. I had to make sure this man, this devil, never again would take the life of another.
I stepped into the room, carefully avoiding the bodies lying on the floor. I would not look at them. Looking at the blood and death would just send me back into the numb scream again. I could not allow for that to happen. Slowly I made my way to the fair-haired girl and stood before her her. She did not react, it was like she couldn't see me. I waved my hands at her face and only a flicker in her eyes was returned. "Sheila, do you hear me?" Another flicker and I had hope I could get through to her. "Sheila, listen to me, you got to break out of that, we got to do something." Confusion coloured her expression and slowly her focus shifted. I smiled at her, though faintly. There was not much to smile about. "Yes?" Hesitation slured her words. Perhaps it was better for her to just forget about the pain. I shook my head, no, we had to work together to deal with this. I could not do it on my own. We had all be wronged.
"Sheila," speaking her name seemed to have the most effect, and I repeated it until she finally focused on me. "What happened? Why am I here?" I watched her eyes. Uncertain of what to say or do, I gave her time. "Why am I not feeling anything? Where am I?" She took her eyes of me and turned to the room. A scream escaped her lips and she covered her face with her hands. "No!" The pain in her voice was tangible. "I can't be dead, it can't be true. It was just a bad dream, a dream. He wouldn't do this, he couldn't."
The others in the room slowly turned their attention to us and drifted closer. Sheila saw them come and stepped backward. She held up her hands as if to protect herself. "No, he couldn't have, why would he, I loved him." So that was why she had joined us. Love. A romantic dream. I felt for her. His betrayal of her was greater than of me. A sudden flash of insight, and I knew that he had played us all. Appealing to our dreams, to what we desired. He had known Sheila's love and promised her it would be returned. Just like he had promised me a change, a chance to escape my poor life.
This made me wonder what promises he had given the others. It was easy to guess Helena, her desire for power and control had always been poorly hidden. It was also she who spoke now. "It's obvious, isn't it Sheila." He betrayed us, he murdered us." Sheila closed her eyes, trying to deny the facts before her, but Helena continued, "He is a fraud. A mean bastard. Ya're a fool to listen to him, an idiot." Sheila shrank even more and tried to hide behind me. "No, he loved me, he told me he loved me." Helena snorted, "Yeah right, and I'm the queen of Sheba. Look lass, he fooled us all and killed us all. Stop ya whining, ya can't change what happened anyway."
"No, but we can do something about it." I stepped forward, my anger once again fuelling me into action I would not have dared in the past. "We can do something about it, we can get justice."
10/08/2008
You
As a ray of light, you shine
Through broken clouds after the storm
One among many, and always
The brightest of the day.
Over troubled waters the beam
Dances, as if filled with the joy
Of life discovered anew, when
The ray of light touched the tops
Of waves rolling over the ocean.
As the voice of a bird, you rise
Above the chorus of flocks gathered
In the trees surrounding me, standing
Tall in the forest, in which I have wandered
Lost for years of my life, and here I hear
The most beautiful song, coming from
Up high, the inspiration you gave me
When I was lost in my wanderings.
As the scent of a rose, you waft
Upon the breezes, caressing the flowers
Of the garden, in which I was lost
In my dreams of a future, that I
Could never reach, out of fear that
One day, I might actually achieve
What I dreamt of, when the scent
Brought hope to my heart, to find my way
Out of the maze, my longing dreams
Had woven, the fragrance guided me
Towards the centre of the garden, where it
Held me enthralled, forever in belief.
You are the light, the song, the scent
Of my life, the ones that stands out
More than any other, the ones I
Hold most dear in my heart, to whom
My love eternally will belong.
Through broken clouds after the storm
One among many, and always
The brightest of the day.
Over troubled waters the beam
Dances, as if filled with the joy
Of life discovered anew, when
The ray of light touched the tops
Of waves rolling over the ocean.
As the voice of a bird, you rise
Above the chorus of flocks gathered
In the trees surrounding me, standing
Tall in the forest, in which I have wandered
Lost for years of my life, and here I hear
The most beautiful song, coming from
Up high, the inspiration you gave me
When I was lost in my wanderings.
As the scent of a rose, you waft
Upon the breezes, caressing the flowers
Of the garden, in which I was lost
In my dreams of a future, that I
Could never reach, out of fear that
One day, I might actually achieve
What I dreamt of, when the scent
Brought hope to my heart, to find my way
Out of the maze, my longing dreams
Had woven, the fragrance guided me
Towards the centre of the garden, where it
Held me enthralled, forever in belief.
You are the light, the song, the scent
Of my life, the ones that stands out
More than any other, the ones I
Hold most dear in my heart, to whom
My love eternally will belong.
10/07/2008
A memory of Chicago - part 1
We stood in a circle, all watching the man before us. He spoke in hushed tones, mystical words that I did not understand. Phrases of ancient origin. Raptly we absorbed his words, swaying lightly to the melody of his voice. It was hypnotic, catching us all in a spell. The pentagram in the centre of the circle was drawn with white chalk, lines crossing the coarse boards of the floor. Five black candles stood in each corner, casting flickering shadows on the bare walls behind us.
From the outside I heard a horse carriage pass by over the cobblestones. A sound so typical for this part of the city where nobody could afford one of the rare automobiles. The sound disappeared into the thick fog that covered the night, lending another eerie aspect to the ritual before us. I cast a glimpse out of the window and saw the street deserted beneath us. The only thing alive was the flickering gas lamps barely able to penetrate the gloom. It was like the night had just gotten darker.
The thin shift I wore scratched my soft skin. Made of coarse hemp, it barely served to keep out the damp and cold of the room. I dared a quick glance at the others standing in the circle. All young women as myself, barely come into adulthood. Completely absorbed by the man before us, the saviour we called him. All eyes were fixed upon him. I seemed to be the only one not completely caught up in the ritual and his voice. Would what we attempted fail due to my lack of concentration?
I forced myself to focus. Shutting out the voice of a stray dog barking somewhere down the street. When the chant began, my voice joined the chorus and as the words got stronger I felt myself get caught up in the ritual. Odd sensations swept through my body and I felt my head become lighter, as if I was separating myself from my flesh. Only his voice mattered, only his voice was heard. There was nothing else. Thrills made me shiver, an anticipation stronger than anything I had previously known. Unknown sensations which I didn't have words for.
"Close your eyes and listen only to my voice," his voice seemed like a ray of bright light, "listen to my voice and feel how you become lighter and lighter." I swayed and lost even more contact with my physical self. "My voice is your guide, it is your light, your beacon. Heed it and become one with the energy building right here in the centre. Feel it, feel how the light is extending to embrace you all. Feel how the bright light is coming to take you."
With my eyes closed, I only listened to his voice; absorbed, taken, seduced. He kept on chanting in low tones, the words impossible to catch. It felt like I floated above myself, only connected by a slight overlap. What a magnificent experience, so unique and special. All I sensed before my closed eyes was the light he had described. Like a bright flame before us, filling the entire pentagram, outshining the light from the candles. Blinding, strong.
His voice seemed to shift around, and yet, I knew he was standing in the circle. It wove around us like the morning fog at the shore. Fingers extended, touching the naked branches and single leaves left after the last storm. For each verse he chanted, the light seemed to become brighter, more intense, as did his words. He sounded excited, anticipating what would come. I wasn't sure of what precisely this ritual was about. But I trusted him, as we all did. He had a talent to make people trust him and follow him. He was our saviour, our liberator, the one who could bring us further than we had ever dreamt about.
Suddenly I felt his hand over my mouth. He stood behind me. I tensed, returning to my body with a snap. "Trust me," were the only words he whispered to my ear. Instantly I relaxed, my heartbeat slowed and I savoured his touch. I doubt any of us had not longed for that touch, that embrace at some point during these last months while we prepared for this ritual. I felt my knees grow weak and new thrills raked my body. A feeling I couldn't put a name to. I just know I savoured his touch, desired more of it. "That is much better, my little angel," he placed a light kiss upon my neck as his breath warmed my skin.
Something cold press against my throat, and then a sharp pain soared through me. I tried to scream, but my voice would not work. I felt heat rise in my head before growing lighter and lighter. The last I remembered was his hand gently catching me as I lost my balance. He lowered me to the floor. The world grew dark.
Vision returned. I was standing. Without comprehension I looked around me, trying to understand where I was and what was going on. The candles had burned low, they were the first to draw my attention. I stared at the flames for a while, my gaze darting between them. Then I remembered. The pain. I raised my hand to my throat, but felt nothing. Confused I looked around, for the first time shifting my attention outside the pentagram. That was when I saw it.
The man, our saviour cradled one of the girls in his arms, her white shift was stained dark. I realized then it was blood. Her throat had a gabing wound and the blood poured from it. He lowered her to the ground and stood up. A very satisfied smile made his face look horrific. He was panting and trembling, filled with an unfamiliar energy. He licked his lips and sucked the knife held clean for blood.
I screamed, loudly, wanting to run away from the scene. But I could not move. My feet would not obey me. He didn't react to my voice. He walked around the circle kneeling briefly by each body lying on the floor. A kiss placed upon their foreheads as he sliced open the shifts, revealing the naked bodies underneath. Young bodies which had never known the touch of a man before. He gazed upon what was revealed to him and then cut off a bloody strip. Slowly he made his way around the circle and with horror I saw him kneel next to me. I stepped back, fearful he would kill me. But he gave the body at my feet the same treatment as the others, the kiss, the revelation, the souvenir and moved on.
With sudden realization I knew it was my own body lying before me. I was dead. Again horror tried to voice itself, but only silence answered. Now I noticed the others standing with a confused look on their faces. Unseeing, uncomprehending, not understanding.
He left the room and the bodies behind. One long wishful glance at the scene before he closed the door behind him. I heard him walk down the stairs and onto the street below. Now I could move and rushed to the window seeing him disappearing into the fog. A dog growled from an alley. Numbly I stood there. Having a difficult time comprehending what had happened. How I had gotten involved in this. Trying to understand this deep betrayal of not only myself, but of the six other girls in the room.
From the outside I heard a horse carriage pass by over the cobblestones. A sound so typical for this part of the city where nobody could afford one of the rare automobiles. The sound disappeared into the thick fog that covered the night, lending another eerie aspect to the ritual before us. I cast a glimpse out of the window and saw the street deserted beneath us. The only thing alive was the flickering gas lamps barely able to penetrate the gloom. It was like the night had just gotten darker.
The thin shift I wore scratched my soft skin. Made of coarse hemp, it barely served to keep out the damp and cold of the room. I dared a quick glance at the others standing in the circle. All young women as myself, barely come into adulthood. Completely absorbed by the man before us, the saviour we called him. All eyes were fixed upon him. I seemed to be the only one not completely caught up in the ritual and his voice. Would what we attempted fail due to my lack of concentration?
I forced myself to focus. Shutting out the voice of a stray dog barking somewhere down the street. When the chant began, my voice joined the chorus and as the words got stronger I felt myself get caught up in the ritual. Odd sensations swept through my body and I felt my head become lighter, as if I was separating myself from my flesh. Only his voice mattered, only his voice was heard. There was nothing else. Thrills made me shiver, an anticipation stronger than anything I had previously known. Unknown sensations which I didn't have words for.
"Close your eyes and listen only to my voice," his voice seemed like a ray of bright light, "listen to my voice and feel how you become lighter and lighter." I swayed and lost even more contact with my physical self. "My voice is your guide, it is your light, your beacon. Heed it and become one with the energy building right here in the centre. Feel it, feel how the light is extending to embrace you all. Feel how the bright light is coming to take you."
With my eyes closed, I only listened to his voice; absorbed, taken, seduced. He kept on chanting in low tones, the words impossible to catch. It felt like I floated above myself, only connected by a slight overlap. What a magnificent experience, so unique and special. All I sensed before my closed eyes was the light he had described. Like a bright flame before us, filling the entire pentagram, outshining the light from the candles. Blinding, strong.
His voice seemed to shift around, and yet, I knew he was standing in the circle. It wove around us like the morning fog at the shore. Fingers extended, touching the naked branches and single leaves left after the last storm. For each verse he chanted, the light seemed to become brighter, more intense, as did his words. He sounded excited, anticipating what would come. I wasn't sure of what precisely this ritual was about. But I trusted him, as we all did. He had a talent to make people trust him and follow him. He was our saviour, our liberator, the one who could bring us further than we had ever dreamt about.
Suddenly I felt his hand over my mouth. He stood behind me. I tensed, returning to my body with a snap. "Trust me," were the only words he whispered to my ear. Instantly I relaxed, my heartbeat slowed and I savoured his touch. I doubt any of us had not longed for that touch, that embrace at some point during these last months while we prepared for this ritual. I felt my knees grow weak and new thrills raked my body. A feeling I couldn't put a name to. I just know I savoured his touch, desired more of it. "That is much better, my little angel," he placed a light kiss upon my neck as his breath warmed my skin.
Something cold press against my throat, and then a sharp pain soared through me. I tried to scream, but my voice would not work. I felt heat rise in my head before growing lighter and lighter. The last I remembered was his hand gently catching me as I lost my balance. He lowered me to the floor. The world grew dark.
Vision returned. I was standing. Without comprehension I looked around me, trying to understand where I was and what was going on. The candles had burned low, they were the first to draw my attention. I stared at the flames for a while, my gaze darting between them. Then I remembered. The pain. I raised my hand to my throat, but felt nothing. Confused I looked around, for the first time shifting my attention outside the pentagram. That was when I saw it.
The man, our saviour cradled one of the girls in his arms, her white shift was stained dark. I realized then it was blood. Her throat had a gabing wound and the blood poured from it. He lowered her to the ground and stood up. A very satisfied smile made his face look horrific. He was panting and trembling, filled with an unfamiliar energy. He licked his lips and sucked the knife held clean for blood.
I screamed, loudly, wanting to run away from the scene. But I could not move. My feet would not obey me. He didn't react to my voice. He walked around the circle kneeling briefly by each body lying on the floor. A kiss placed upon their foreheads as he sliced open the shifts, revealing the naked bodies underneath. Young bodies which had never known the touch of a man before. He gazed upon what was revealed to him and then cut off a bloody strip. Slowly he made his way around the circle and with horror I saw him kneel next to me. I stepped back, fearful he would kill me. But he gave the body at my feet the same treatment as the others, the kiss, the revelation, the souvenir and moved on.
With sudden realization I knew it was my own body lying before me. I was dead. Again horror tried to voice itself, but only silence answered. Now I noticed the others standing with a confused look on their faces. Unseeing, uncomprehending, not understanding.
He left the room and the bodies behind. One long wishful glance at the scene before he closed the door behind him. I heard him walk down the stairs and onto the street below. Now I could move and rushed to the window seeing him disappearing into the fog. A dog growled from an alley. Numbly I stood there. Having a difficult time comprehending what had happened. How I had gotten involved in this. Trying to understand this deep betrayal of not only myself, but of the six other girls in the room.
9/12/2008
A year ago
A year ago
- we shared a romance
A year ago
- I lay by your side
A year ago
- our embrace was tight
A year ago
- I held you in my arms
A year ago
- we made love
A year ago
- I treasured your scent
A year ago
- we shared a shower
A year ago
- I could feel your touch
A year ago
- our laughter mingled
A year ago
- I could hear your voice
A year ago
- we walked down the stairs
A year ago
- I gazed into your eyes
A year ago
- we kissed good bye
A year ago
- I saw you walk out the door
A year ago
- you drove away not looking back
A year ago
- was the last time I saw you
A year ago
- I felt an ache begin
A year ago
- my tears ran silently down my cheek
Today
- the ache still burns.
- we shared a romance
A year ago
- I lay by your side
A year ago
- our embrace was tight
A year ago
- I held you in my arms
A year ago
- we made love
A year ago
- I treasured your scent
A year ago
- we shared a shower
A year ago
- I could feel your touch
A year ago
- our laughter mingled
A year ago
- I could hear your voice
A year ago
- we walked down the stairs
A year ago
- I gazed into your eyes
A year ago
- we kissed good bye
A year ago
- I saw you walk out the door
A year ago
- you drove away not looking back
A year ago
- was the last time I saw you
A year ago
- I felt an ache begin
A year ago
- my tears ran silently down my cheek
Today
- the ache still burns.
Waves crashing
Waves crashing over the wide distant ocean, moving forward
pushed by wild winds, no force strong enough
to stop them, they create their own perfect world
where sea and sky meet is a haze, elements meeting
in a blaze of fire, imposing the rising clouds loom
high over water brought to boiling in bright reds
whirling patterns created by strong currents, almost
recognizable, but lost to the gaze, symbolic this storm brews
unhindered, covering the sea with promises of future
or showing the past still remembered, such is the world
and what is in it, memories of past living now and
forever storms rage without any hesitation not giving up
hope and change as promised that day, the storm is on fire.
pushed by wild winds, no force strong enough
to stop them, they create their own perfect world
where sea and sky meet is a haze, elements meeting
in a blaze of fire, imposing the rising clouds loom
high over water brought to boiling in bright reds
whirling patterns created by strong currents, almost
recognizable, but lost to the gaze, symbolic this storm brews
unhindered, covering the sea with promises of future
or showing the past still remembered, such is the world
and what is in it, memories of past living now and
forever storms rage without any hesitation not giving up
hope and change as promised that day, the storm is on fire.
9/10/2008
Two paintings
Finally found time to do a few paintings today. It's been quite a while since I've had the chance to relax and paint. This was a little treat and break for me after spending all morning working on the design for a logo.
Reds
I had red paint left over from the butterfly and did this small painting. I quite like the colours on it, warm and intense. Time will show if I'll leave it as it is or add another element to it in contrasting colours. It took me just half an hour to paint, easy little thing to do for relaxation.
Butterfly on blue
Finally finished this one. The background have been done for a while. I had to wait for the paint to dry enough for me to paint the butterfly on it. I'm not sure I'm quite satisfied with the intensity of the reds/oranges and I might try to brighten it later when the paint has dried again.
RedsI had red paint left over from the butterfly and did this small painting. I quite like the colours on it, warm and intense. Time will show if I'll leave it as it is or add another element to it in contrasting colours. It took me just half an hour to paint, easy little thing to do for relaxation.
Divine torture
Silently hanging
Waiting
Steps, sounds, sensations
Thrills
Pause, what happens
Squirming, twisting
Cold, heat, burning
So strong, need it, now!
Please give it
Please
Soft begging
Denial
Not now, not yet
Feathery touches
Freezing ice
Burning lips
Divine torture, exquisite
Intake, a breath
Shock, surprise, helpless
Heat, burning intensely
Ah, now, please?
Perhaps...
Waiting
Steps, sounds, sensations
Thrills
Pause, what happens
Squirming, twisting
Cold, heat, burning
So strong, need it, now!
Please give it
Please
Soft begging
Denial
Not now, not yet
Feathery touches
Freezing ice
Burning lips
Divine torture, exquisite
Intake, a breath
Shock, surprise, helpless
Heat, burning intensely
Ah, now, please?
Perhaps...
9/02/2008
A package
On its way across the wide ocean
Bringing with it tokens of my love
Carefully packed and protected dear
Will finally arrive to settle in your hands
Symbols of love chosen with a smile
Created by my hand your life it will adorn
Delicious tastes of foreign countries
A melange depicting the nuances of trust
To you with devotions I send this package
Cherish the presents contained within
For they are but a small part of myself
Given to you with my love undying in full
Bringing with it tokens of my love
Carefully packed and protected dear
Will finally arrive to settle in your hands
Symbols of love chosen with a smile
Created by my hand your life it will adorn
Delicious tastes of foreign countries
A melange depicting the nuances of trust
To you with devotions I send this package
Cherish the presents contained within
For they are but a small part of myself
Given to you with my love undying in full
8/21/2008
Eyes in the window
Was it a dream at night,
gazing out the window,
seeing the shadows pass by?
Would you have known,
what in truth it meant,
when you saw the eyes stare back at you?
I don't think so,
I didn't.
To me it was merely a coincidence,
which I quickly forgot again.
Staring out the window in the dark night.
Was it just me,
or had it just gotten a bit darker and colder?
Wrapping the blanket closer around myself,
I gazed out into the black,
standing in silence waiting.
For what I didn't know.
It just seemed right to be here,
at that very moment,
in the window.
I never heard him come,
only felt his breath touch my naked skin.
Briefly,
a fleeting moment of panic.
And then...
Surrender.
gazing out the window,
seeing the shadows pass by?
Would you have known,
what in truth it meant,
when you saw the eyes stare back at you?
I don't think so,
I didn't.
To me it was merely a coincidence,
which I quickly forgot again.
Staring out the window in the dark night.
Was it just me,
or had it just gotten a bit darker and colder?
Wrapping the blanket closer around myself,
I gazed out into the black,
standing in silence waiting.
For what I didn't know.
It just seemed right to be here,
at that very moment,
in the window.
I never heard him come,
only felt his breath touch my naked skin.
Briefly,
a fleeting moment of panic.
And then...
Surrender.
8/20/2008
Stargazing
- Hi there cutie, I gotta tell you something.
- Hmm.... have you seen the stars tonight, they're so beautiful.
- Yeah, they're nice. Look, there's something I gotta tell you. I--
- They're more than nice, and tonight it's the Perseids shower too. You must lie down with me and watch it.
- Perseids?
- The meteors, there are going to be many tonight, perhaps up to 5 every minute. Look! There's another one.
- Ah yeah, of course. But see, I must tell you about this phone--
- There's another one, did you see how beautiful it was as it trailed through Cygnes?
- Cygnes? That's that one up there, isn't it?
- Yes! Oh, look over there, another one!
- They are pretty, but there's this thing I have to tell you.
- Pretty? They're amazing. This show only happens once a year and that's tonight.
- Yeah, it's a nice show all right. So, I really got to tell you something.
- Wow! That one was mind-blowing, did you see how it exploded into a ball?
- Are you even paying attention to what I say?
- Of course I am. It's such a beautiful night tonight, I'm happy I came out here to watch the shower.
- It's a nice night for sure, much better than what happened earlier I tell ya.
- I just wish I had brought my sleeping bag. It would be wonderful just to lie here all night and fall asleep under the stars.
- You shouldn't sleep out here, it's dangerous.
- I know, I'm not going to either. I just wish I could.
- Good. Listen, the phone rang...
- Did you see that? Did you see that one? It cast shadows on the ground!
- Uhm, what?
- I've never seen any so bright, it was almost like the full moon. So much light. I've only heard of those, they're--
- Stop it, you have to hear what I'm saying, it's important.
- What, you're the one interrupting me all the time.
- Hey, that's not true! I came here to tell you something important and you're just babbling on about those stars.
- I'm not babbling! Now you're being mean.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, but fact is--
- Did you see that one? That beautiful meteor trailing all the way from Cassiopeia to Lyra?
- Eh, no, I'm not looking at your stars.
- What? Why aren't you looking, this is the most amazing show of the year. You must see it.
- I don't care about that right now. I have something I must tell you.
- What is it that's so important to tell me? Why don't you just say it?
- I've been trying, but you aren't listening. You just keep talking about those stars.
- I'm not! Ooooh... that was a slow trailer, I almost think I could hear it!
- There you go again. Would you just stop for one moment and look at me while I talk to you.
- And miss this opportunity? You can't mean that.
- Yes I do! What I have to say is much more important than your stars.
- Can't it wait, I'm busy right now.
- No, it can't wait.
- Look! Another--
- STOP it!
- What?
- Look at me, now.
- I am looking.
- Stop glancing at the sky, look at my eyes, just for two min.
- I am looking at you.
- No you're not.
- I am.
- Finally, yes now you are. If only you had done that from the start we could have avoided this fight.
- Is that what you want to say?
- No, silly, of course not.
- Well, your time is up, I got to watch the sky.
- Wait! I'm not done yet, look at me.
- All right, all right, what is it?
- I got this phone call a short while ago.
- And? What's special about that.
- It was my mum.
- Your mum? What did she want?
- She'll be here in 15 min.
- What! Why didn't you tell me? Now we got to hurry back and do the dishes.
- I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.
- There's another one! Did you see that, did you see it?
- Yeah, I saw it.
- Wasn't it beautiful?
- Yeah, it was.
- Give me a few more moments, I have to watch this.
- Yeah yeah, I'll head back and do the dishes. Mum will be here any moment now.
- Mmmm.
- Hmm.... have you seen the stars tonight, they're so beautiful.
- Yeah, they're nice. Look, there's something I gotta tell you. I--
- They're more than nice, and tonight it's the Perseids shower too. You must lie down with me and watch it.
- Perseids?
- The meteors, there are going to be many tonight, perhaps up to 5 every minute. Look! There's another one.
- Ah yeah, of course. But see, I must tell you about this phone--
- There's another one, did you see how beautiful it was as it trailed through Cygnes?
- Cygnes? That's that one up there, isn't it?
- Yes! Oh, look over there, another one!
- They are pretty, but there's this thing I have to tell you.
- Pretty? They're amazing. This show only happens once a year and that's tonight.
- Yeah, it's a nice show all right. So, I really got to tell you something.
- Wow! That one was mind-blowing, did you see how it exploded into a ball?
- Are you even paying attention to what I say?
- Of course I am. It's such a beautiful night tonight, I'm happy I came out here to watch the shower.
- It's a nice night for sure, much better than what happened earlier I tell ya.
- I just wish I had brought my sleeping bag. It would be wonderful just to lie here all night and fall asleep under the stars.
- You shouldn't sleep out here, it's dangerous.
- I know, I'm not going to either. I just wish I could.
- Good. Listen, the phone rang...
- Did you see that? Did you see that one? It cast shadows on the ground!
- Uhm, what?
- I've never seen any so bright, it was almost like the full moon. So much light. I've only heard of those, they're--
- Stop it, you have to hear what I'm saying, it's important.
- What, you're the one interrupting me all the time.
- Hey, that's not true! I came here to tell you something important and you're just babbling on about those stars.
- I'm not babbling! Now you're being mean.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, but fact is--
- Did you see that one? That beautiful meteor trailing all the way from Cassiopeia to Lyra?
- Eh, no, I'm not looking at your stars.
- What? Why aren't you looking, this is the most amazing show of the year. You must see it.
- I don't care about that right now. I have something I must tell you.
- What is it that's so important to tell me? Why don't you just say it?
- I've been trying, but you aren't listening. You just keep talking about those stars.
- I'm not! Ooooh... that was a slow trailer, I almost think I could hear it!
- There you go again. Would you just stop for one moment and look at me while I talk to you.
- And miss this opportunity? You can't mean that.
- Yes I do! What I have to say is much more important than your stars.
- Can't it wait, I'm busy right now.
- No, it can't wait.
- Look! Another--
- STOP it!
- What?
- Look at me, now.
- I am looking.
- Stop glancing at the sky, look at my eyes, just for two min.
- I am looking at you.
- No you're not.
- I am.
- Finally, yes now you are. If only you had done that from the start we could have avoided this fight.
- Is that what you want to say?
- No, silly, of course not.
- Well, your time is up, I got to watch the sky.
- Wait! I'm not done yet, look at me.
- All right, all right, what is it?
- I got this phone call a short while ago.
- And? What's special about that.
- It was my mum.
- Your mum? What did she want?
- She'll be here in 15 min.
- What! Why didn't you tell me? Now we got to hurry back and do the dishes.
- I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.
- There's another one! Did you see that, did you see it?
- Yeah, I saw it.
- Wasn't it beautiful?
- Yeah, it was.
- Give me a few more moments, I have to watch this.
- Yeah yeah, I'll head back and do the dishes. Mum will be here any moment now.
- Mmmm.
8/03/2008
A Setting
A sunbeam breaking through darkened clouds
Light drops of rain caress the petals of blooming flowers
Carefully the wind shakes the water of the leaves
Creating a soft drizzle sparkling in the light
Scents float upon the humid air of afternoon
Rays of brightness fall through darkened branches
The song of a blackbird is heard from afar
Melodies floating through the theme of dreams
Intricate patterns shaped by sun and shade
Moving over the ground covered by rain kissed leaves
This is where our dreams are brought to the top
In soft notions of natures own romantic setting
Light drops of rain caress the petals of blooming flowers
Carefully the wind shakes the water of the leaves
Creating a soft drizzle sparkling in the light
Scents float upon the humid air of afternoon
Rays of brightness fall through darkened branches
The song of a blackbird is heard from afar
Melodies floating through the theme of dreams
Intricate patterns shaped by sun and shade
Moving over the ground covered by rain kissed leaves
This is where our dreams are brought to the top
In soft notions of natures own romantic setting
7/24/2008
Waves
White capped waves rolling over the ocean
Carrying messages from afar
Wildly crushing against the rocky shores
To settle finally with peace
Carrying messages from afar
Wildly crushing against the rocky shores
To settle finally with peace
Haze
Distant hills hidden in the haze
The fog rolling in from oceans faraway
Hotly the sun burns from skies blue
Merging together wind and mist
Bringing the evening to the shores
The fog rolling in from oceans faraway
Hotly the sun burns from skies blue
Merging together wind and mist
Bringing the evening to the shores
Together
In love we meet again
To be together in a dream
Golden light surrounds us
As we merge into one
To be together in a dream
Golden light surrounds us
As we merge into one
Fire
Lips against lips
Meeting in passionate kiss
Feeling your fingers
Travelling slowly along my spine
My body shivers
As your touch awakens my fire
Meeting in passionate kiss
Feeling your fingers
Travelling slowly along my spine
My body shivers
As your touch awakens my fire
Your touch
A hand placed upon my stomach
Sends shivers through my entire body
Awakens a fire way too long at rest
Like magic flames shoot through my veins
Not a movement as I hold my breath
Not daring to move as I feel your energy
Embracing my entire being with passion
Soft whimpers begin to escape my lips
Small stirs as I shift closer to your touch
Moans of passion flees my parted lips
Your unmoving touch sends me to heaven
Sends shivers through my entire body
Awakens a fire way too long at rest
Like magic flames shoot through my veins
Not a movement as I hold my breath
Not daring to move as I feel your energy
Embracing my entire being with passion
Soft whimpers begin to escape my lips
Small stirs as I shift closer to your touch
Moans of passion flees my parted lips
Your unmoving touch sends me to heaven
7/22/2008
In the train
Sitting in the train watching the city pass by
My thoughts drift to the future that may come
Meeting you in the airport as you come out
Greeting you with a large smile as I see you
A warm tight embrace ignoring all around
Just you and me standing together again
A ride on the train towards our destination
Sitting closely to you as I gaze into your eyes
My thoughts drift to the future that may come
Meeting you in the airport as you come out
Greeting you with a large smile as I see you
A warm tight embrace ignoring all around
Just you and me standing together again
A ride on the train towards our destination
Sitting closely to you as I gaze into your eyes
7/19/2008
This longing
This longing inside
This ache which burns
Consuming like a thousand flames
This rising fire
This engulfing pain
Filling me with urgent yearning
This love I feel
This wanting for you
Drowning my soul in sensations true
The day will come when we will meet
To dance among stars in unity
Embraced we will be in tender love
Partners sharing to explore our life
Together for the rest of eternity
This longing inside
This ache which burns
Consuming like a thousand flames
For you are the one who will always be
The first real love true in my heart
This ache which burns
Consuming like a thousand flames
This rising fire
This engulfing pain
Filling me with urgent yearning
This love I feel
This wanting for you
Drowning my soul in sensations true
The day will come when we will meet
To dance among stars in unity
Embraced we will be in tender love
Partners sharing to explore our life
Together for the rest of eternity
This longing inside
This ache which burns
Consuming like a thousand flames
For you are the one who will always be
The first real love true in my heart
So Close
So close
I feel you there
Standing next to me
I just have to reach out and touch
Vividly
I can sense you
Your presence by my side
I feel your arms tightly embrace me
So warm
You and I together
Holding you closely again
Intensely we share this moment now
Slowly
Your presence leaves
With a soft smile I realize
It was your essence standing by my side
I feel you there
Standing next to me
I just have to reach out and touch
Vividly
I can sense you
Your presence by my side
I feel your arms tightly embrace me
So warm
You and I together
Holding you closely again
Intensely we share this moment now
Slowly
Your presence leaves
With a soft smile I realize
It was your essence standing by my side
Night time
Night time covers the land all settled in silent sleep
Darkness tenderly cloaks the mountains and far hills
Passing behind clouds the moon shines clear and bright
Casting eerie lights on shapes so familiar at day
Here I lie watching the clouds move without a sound
Glimpses of sparkling stars from afar tease my eyes
Reaching towards me inviting me to join them in revery
Urging me to merge with their dance of other worlds
Tenderly the moonbeam caresses the hope of future
Shaping it into a vivid picture so clear of you
Living in my heart with each pulse through my veins
One day I will share with you many such times at night
Slowly my eyes close entering the state of repose
With a smile embracing the dreams which come to me
Carried upon strong wings of vision I touch the stars
An image of the future with you stand crystalline
Darkness tenderly cloaks the mountains and far hills
Passing behind clouds the moon shines clear and bright
Casting eerie lights on shapes so familiar at day
Here I lie watching the clouds move without a sound
Glimpses of sparkling stars from afar tease my eyes
Reaching towards me inviting me to join them in revery
Urging me to merge with their dance of other worlds
Tenderly the moonbeam caresses the hope of future
Shaping it into a vivid picture so clear of you
Living in my heart with each pulse through my veins
One day I will share with you many such times at night
Slowly my eyes close entering the state of repose
With a smile embracing the dreams which come to me
Carried upon strong wings of vision I touch the stars
An image of the future with you stand crystalline
7/07/2008
Storm
Dark grey clouds move quickly over the sky
Patterns shifting faster as the winds carry the rain
Curtains brush tree tops with their heavy wet load
A strand of white dancing across the looming tops
Bringing magic to the moment in which we stand
A gust of humidity and heat embrace the mountain
Flashes of lightning; blinding, bright and white
Claps of thunder, bursts of sound; the earth tremble
Forces of nature, set loose upon a sea of green
Patterns shifting faster as the winds carry the rain
Curtains brush tree tops with their heavy wet load
A strand of white dancing across the looming tops
Bringing magic to the moment in which we stand
A gust of humidity and heat embrace the mountain
Flashes of lightning; blinding, bright and white
Claps of thunder, bursts of sound; the earth tremble
Forces of nature, set loose upon a sea of green
7/04/2008
Memories
Memories so sweet and delicious
Smiles brought readily to my face
Thinking of you once again
The time as a dream we shared
Laughter escapes from my lips
Floating high upon the air
The rays of the sun touches
My skin where your fingers explored
Images and sensations recalled
A chuckle from a happy trail
Your lips teasing my wanting heat
Now again I turn over in laughter
Together we stood in the evening
Sharing the moments as one
Happiness dancing all around us
Leaving memories forever in our souls
Smiles brought readily to my face
Thinking of you once again
The time as a dream we shared
Laughter escapes from my lips
Floating high upon the air
The rays of the sun touches
My skin where your fingers explored
Images and sensations recalled
A chuckle from a happy trail
Your lips teasing my wanting heat
Now again I turn over in laughter
Together we stood in the evening
Sharing the moments as one
Happiness dancing all around us
Leaving memories forever in our souls
6/26/2008
Blue Flower in Fall
Blue Flower in FallThe background was painted long ago, some remaining colours from a project I would assume and I being in the mood to just work with colours and not form. It's been lying around for ages, not finished, but not knowing what to do with it. My latest notion of painting abstract flowers seemed to go well with the background, creating contrast and life to an else dull and boring painting. I still need to figure out how good the result is. The idea is sound though.
ps: the background doesn't come to its full rights on the photo unfortunately.
6/25/2008
Dance in the sky
Slowly I rise, higher and higher
Holding your hand, closely into the sky we fly
Merging as one in a celestial dance among distant lights
Twirling together, rising upwards and up to the harmony of heavens
Upon the highest note of music divine does our dance come to a stop
Joined as one, complementary beings of love and delight
Gazing into your eyes, accepting all you are
Finally we merge as partners true
Holding your hand, closely into the sky we fly
Merging as one in a celestial dance among distant lights
Twirling together, rising upwards and up to the harmony of heavens
Surrounded by golden light
Brought together by power
Now we swirl, now we dance
Faster and slower, as a unity
Our lips meet in a tender kiss
Brought together by power
Now we swirl, now we dance
Faster and slower, as a unity
Our lips meet in a tender kiss
Upon the highest note of music divine does our dance come to a stop
Joined as one, complementary beings of love and delight
Gazing into your eyes, accepting all you are
Finally we merge as partners true
Harleqin
HarleqinIt's a project that's been under way for several days, ever since I finished the last painting. I'm not really sure if I like it or not. Something is wrong.
6/20/2008
Purple flower 2
Purple flower 2Another inspired painting, seems like I'm on a theme now. Took me about 3 hours again to paint.
6/17/2008
Purple flower
Purple flowerA painting dedicated to Shane. He knows what it's about. It took me about three hours to draw and paint and is the first painting I've done fully in open air.
6/16/2008
Daydream
Pictures flashing before my inner eye
Seeing you before me, a scene is set
Standing arm in arm, side by side with you
Gazing over the ocean where waves foam
Slowly the sun is sinking in a fiery display
Casting light over a beach far below us
Hoarsely the seagulls cry out for the night
Sailing upon the strong winds high above
Clouds roll in from afar promising rain tonight
Wind in my hair whipping it into my eyes
Protectively you draw me closely to your side
Shielding us from the beautiful storm coming
He welcomes the night with a kick from inside
My head is against your shoulder and I smile
Content I watch us stand there on the cliff
As the dream images slowly dissolve
Seeing you before me, a scene is set
Standing arm in arm, side by side with you
Gazing over the ocean where waves foam
Slowly the sun is sinking in a fiery display
Casting light over a beach far below us
Hoarsely the seagulls cry out for the night
Sailing upon the strong winds high above
Clouds roll in from afar promising rain tonight
Wind in my hair whipping it into my eyes
Protectively you draw me closely to your side
Shielding us from the beautiful storm coming
He welcomes the night with a kick from inside
My head is against your shoulder and I smile
Content I watch us stand there on the cliff
As the dream images slowly dissolve
6/14/2008
Life purpose
The purpose of our lives is a thing that haunts many of us for a long while. We feel there is more to things, that there is a meaning to it all, and we desperately try to find that meaning.
Many search all life and will never find it. Some find it without hardly trying, just walking their path naturally. Some are not even aware of those mechanisms, but find the path anyway. Some of us stand right before the path and can't see it. We have made ourselves blind to the obvious.
When we open to ourselves and our own wisdom and knowledge, and keep open to what is being shown to us, the people we speak to, let our intuition have a say, then we can suddenly find our life purpose in the most odd places. Or from our own mouths in a conversation with a friend.
For others can't tell us what our purpose is. It is not their place to do so. Only we can find it, though the aid of others can certainly kick us when we need it and make us realize and see things.
Another good friend of mine was listening to my rantings the other day and during that conversation I said, very heartfelt and urgent:
"I want to be important to people, I want to make a difference, I want to influence people's lives and be somebody. I want to touch a lot of people and affect their lives and change it for the better."
Later, thinking back on that conversation, I realize that I've been speaking some of my innermost feelings and desires, that I've finally started to voice what it is I want to be my purpose in life, what it is I have the drive and urge to do. I just never dared say such, I never dared get my hopes up.
Life purposes, a topic that's hard to truly understand and learn about. It's hard to to define vague feelings and dreams into something concrete and real.
Thanks Shane, for helping me voice my purpose.
Many search all life and will never find it. Some find it without hardly trying, just walking their path naturally. Some are not even aware of those mechanisms, but find the path anyway. Some of us stand right before the path and can't see it. We have made ourselves blind to the obvious.
When we open to ourselves and our own wisdom and knowledge, and keep open to what is being shown to us, the people we speak to, let our intuition have a say, then we can suddenly find our life purpose in the most odd places. Or from our own mouths in a conversation with a friend.
For others can't tell us what our purpose is. It is not their place to do so. Only we can find it, though the aid of others can certainly kick us when we need it and make us realize and see things.
Another good friend of mine was listening to my rantings the other day and during that conversation I said, very heartfelt and urgent:
"I want to be important to people, I want to make a difference, I want to influence people's lives and be somebody. I want to touch a lot of people and affect their lives and change it for the better."
Later, thinking back on that conversation, I realize that I've been speaking some of my innermost feelings and desires, that I've finally started to voice what it is I want to be my purpose in life, what it is I have the drive and urge to do. I just never dared say such, I never dared get my hopes up.
Life purposes, a topic that's hard to truly understand and learn about. It's hard to to define vague feelings and dreams into something concrete and real.
Thanks Shane, for helping me voice my purpose.
Get your hopes up.
"Not really doubting yourself. But not believing in yourself either. Like you don't want to get your hopes up."
A friend said this to me last night and it just hit home and rang so true.
"You don't want to get your hopes up."
It is true. I don't want to get my hopes up.
It's scary, it's dangerous, it's painful.
All due to past conditioning where I've been proven over and over (by myself and my own behaviours), that there's no point to getting my hopes up because there will always be failure, there'll always be a price that hurts, that it is not possible anyway.
I am so grateful that he pointed it out to me, because it gave me a lot of food for thought.
A lot of food for thought certainly. An opening, a door which I have to walk through. A door which is enlightenment and a path that is healing.
A path where I know that I have broken and can break my behaviours and self-destructive manners. A path where I know I am strong and capable. A path where I know I am a different person.
I just need to trust myself. I need to learn to trust myself. I need to decide to trust myself. Yes, that's the most essential.
I need to decide I can trust myself.
Because I have broken all these things from the past. I have changed my behaviours. I know and recognize them when they happen and can act against it and change what I am about to do.
I just need to trust myself to do it.
And once I trust myself to do it. I know my goals and dreams and hopes can come true. I know things are possible without failure or pain.
I can get my hopes up for the future.
And then I can believe in myself fully.
The door of enlightenment, opened by a dear caring friend saying: "It's like you don't want to get your hopes up."
Now I stand in the doorway and face the path before me. It will be an interesting walk and scary as well. I hope I can stay on it this time and not stray aside.
Thank you, Evan.
A friend said this to me last night and it just hit home and rang so true.
"You don't want to get your hopes up."
It is true. I don't want to get my hopes up.
It's scary, it's dangerous, it's painful.
All due to past conditioning where I've been proven over and over (by myself and my own behaviours), that there's no point to getting my hopes up because there will always be failure, there'll always be a price that hurts, that it is not possible anyway.
I am so grateful that he pointed it out to me, because it gave me a lot of food for thought.
A lot of food for thought certainly. An opening, a door which I have to walk through. A door which is enlightenment and a path that is healing.
A path where I know that I have broken and can break my behaviours and self-destructive manners. A path where I know I am strong and capable. A path where I know I am a different person.
I just need to trust myself. I need to learn to trust myself. I need to decide to trust myself. Yes, that's the most essential.
I need to decide I can trust myself.
Because I have broken all these things from the past. I have changed my behaviours. I know and recognize them when they happen and can act against it and change what I am about to do.
I just need to trust myself to do it.
And once I trust myself to do it. I know my goals and dreams and hopes can come true. I know things are possible without failure or pain.
I can get my hopes up for the future.
And then I can believe in myself fully.
The door of enlightenment, opened by a dear caring friend saying: "It's like you don't want to get your hopes up."
Now I stand in the doorway and face the path before me. It will be an interesting walk and scary as well. I hope I can stay on it this time and not stray aside.
Thank you, Evan.
5/31/2008
Point of it all
What is the point of it all when it comes to it? What is the purpose of life? The meaning of it? Why are we here? What is it we are meant to do?
Those questions are as old as humanity, and yet, we've not found the answer to it. Some people seem to have found an answer, seem to have found that purpose, that meaning with it all. And yet, they can't tell you what it is, they can't give you the answer. It's an answer only you can find.
Isn't it frustrating? I find it so. I sit here and think that there must be more to it all. That there must be more meaning to my life than trying to get a job, trying to support myself and taking care of my daughter.
Yeah, of course, raising a child is important. But I am more than that. I am more than a mother. I just don't know what. I don't know what that more is I'm looking for.
For I'm looking. I'm searching for that meaning with life. That thing that makes the difference to me. The thing that'll make me jump out of bed in the morning and think that this is a wonderful day and that it's important and I have things to do that has meaning and purpose and reason.
I don't know where to find it. My inner self seems like a murky place where light can't penetrate, where there's no signs showing me the way.
There must be more to things. There just must be. If not, it's all way too depressive.
I need more.
Those questions are as old as humanity, and yet, we've not found the answer to it. Some people seem to have found an answer, seem to have found that purpose, that meaning with it all. And yet, they can't tell you what it is, they can't give you the answer. It's an answer only you can find.
Isn't it frustrating? I find it so. I sit here and think that there must be more to it all. That there must be more meaning to my life than trying to get a job, trying to support myself and taking care of my daughter.
Yeah, of course, raising a child is important. But I am more than that. I am more than a mother. I just don't know what. I don't know what that more is I'm looking for.
For I'm looking. I'm searching for that meaning with life. That thing that makes the difference to me. The thing that'll make me jump out of bed in the morning and think that this is a wonderful day and that it's important and I have things to do that has meaning and purpose and reason.
I don't know where to find it. My inner self seems like a murky place where light can't penetrate, where there's no signs showing me the way.
There must be more to things. There just must be. If not, it's all way too depressive.
I need more.
5/21/2008
Afterthought
Sitting here with a feeling. Strange thoughts overcoming me, going through my brain but not really registering. What is this when it comes to it?
What happened that made this day different from the other days, what was it that changed the energy around me, something new, and yet so old. Returning to old haunts, but in a new way.
Is this what would be called to break free and let go of the past? Or is it merely a natural step that had to happen no matter what? Is it accepting that some things will never happen and it is time to move on?
I don't know, it's impossible to tell. Logically it feels right. But my heart broke, or perhaps I just poured more salt into that wound. The wound of impossibilities and dreams, of what can never be, of a hope that is lost.
Am I a fool or am I wise?
It's not possible to say, is it? Only time will tell. And even when you wait out the time, you can never know what would have happened had things been done differently, if something else had been the case, another step taken, a new location.
But I will never know. I will never know if I did things in foolishness or right.
Ah, the wonderful curse of life. We do never truly know what is right or wrong. Not when it comes to reaching our dreams and finding them.
My thoughts are of you, they will always be. My heart is with you, it always will be. But I think the pain is less now. At least for today. We can't predict tomorrow after all.
Did the dream disappear?
What happened that made this day different from the other days, what was it that changed the energy around me, something new, and yet so old. Returning to old haunts, but in a new way.
Is this what would be called to break free and let go of the past? Or is it merely a natural step that had to happen no matter what? Is it accepting that some things will never happen and it is time to move on?
I don't know, it's impossible to tell. Logically it feels right. But my heart broke, or perhaps I just poured more salt into that wound. The wound of impossibilities and dreams, of what can never be, of a hope that is lost.
Am I a fool or am I wise?
It's not possible to say, is it? Only time will tell. And even when you wait out the time, you can never know what would have happened had things been done differently, if something else had been the case, another step taken, a new location.
But I will never know. I will never know if I did things in foolishness or right.
Ah, the wonderful curse of life. We do never truly know what is right or wrong. Not when it comes to reaching our dreams and finding them.
My thoughts are of you, they will always be. My heart is with you, it always will be. But I think the pain is less now. At least for today. We can't predict tomorrow after all.
Did the dream disappear?
5/18/2008
Last night
I had a dream last night.
Where I saw you walk away. Leaving me and distancing yourself.
I had a dream last night.
Where I saw you turn around and look away. Letting go of what we had.
I had a dream last night.
Where I lost your closeness. Saying goodbye to my dream of you.
Where I saw you walk away. Leaving me and distancing yourself.
I had a dream last night.
Where I saw you turn around and look away. Letting go of what we had.
I had a dream last night.
Where I lost your closeness. Saying goodbye to my dream of you.
4/23/2008
A touch
A touch
Brushing my skin
Tantalizing, enticing, intoxicating
A hand
Silently resting
Upon the very centre of my desires
A kiss
Burning fiercely
Intensely drawing out my deepest needs
Shaking
Breathing quickly
Unable to contain what you wake inside me
Trembling
I need you now
To feel you closely, filling me with passion
Moaning
Shifting my body
Unable to control myself, wanting more and more
Loud screams
Sweet wild release
Explosions of emotions surging through my body
Brushing my skin
Tantalizing, enticing, intoxicating
A hand
Silently resting
Upon the very centre of my desires
A kiss
Burning fiercely
Intensely drawing out my deepest needs
Shaking
Breathing quickly
Unable to contain what you wake inside me
Trembling
I need you now
To feel you closely, filling me with passion
Moaning
Shifting my body
Unable to control myself, wanting more and more
Loud screams
Sweet wild release
Explosions of emotions surging through my body
4/17/2008
Surfing
Waves rolling over the ocean
Tall they rise up towards the sky
Trying to reach pristine white clouds
And there I ride
Upon a wave
Higher I rise
For each beat, moving forward
Forward, forward, forward
The momentum surges each crest ahead
Quickly they roll over a clear blue ocean
Pounding heart
Breathless gasps
A yell of pride
Riding upon waves of success
Towards the white beach
Each movement brings me closer
A divine goal I have sought for oh so long
A sudden tumble
Quickly falling
Deep deep down
In fear I hit the cold bottom
Whimpering in sharp pain
Climbing up to the beckoning crest
Soaked and drenched I ride another wave forward
To my beach
Of salvation
Happiness, joy
My home to be when I find you
Never giving up
I must reach that place
No matter how often I fall from the crests
Tall they rise up towards the sky
Trying to reach pristine white clouds
And there I ride
Upon a wave
Higher I rise
For each beat, moving forward
Forward, forward, forward
The momentum surges each crest ahead
Quickly they roll over a clear blue ocean
Pounding heart
Breathless gasps
A yell of pride
Riding upon waves of success
Towards the white beach
Each movement brings me closer
A divine goal I have sought for oh so long
A sudden tumble
Quickly falling
Deep deep down
In fear I hit the cold bottom
Whimpering in sharp pain
Climbing up to the beckoning crest
Soaked and drenched I ride another wave forward
To my beach
Of salvation
Happiness, joy
My home to be when I find you
Never giving up
I must reach that place
No matter how often I fall from the crests
4/16/2008
Beautiful story
My life is a beautiful story.
How many people have been told that? "Your life is a beautiful story".
A friend of mine last night said that to me, and ever since that line has been stuck in my head. I've been turning it over and over, considering, tasting, feeling.
And it's true. Yes, my life is a beautiful story. It's the sort of novel that I would enjoy reading. Not because it's full of happiness and romance or anything like that. No, because it's full of struggle, fight, battle, pain, sadness, despair. And in spite of that, I keep on fighting. I keep on trying. And slowly, step by step, I win. One victory after another. Small improvements here and there, tiny things, but they all add up and it turns into a beautiful story.
Who wants to read about lives where everything is just perfect? Where everything succeeds without a struggle? Who wants to hear about one victory after another that wasn't deserved, that wasn't worked for? Who wants to just read about happiness and people being happy?
No one. Why should we read about things only being good when we can never relate to it anyway. No, we want to read about things we can relate to ourselves. We want to read about things where we can put ourselves into the shoes of the main person and say: "Hey, my life isn't that bad after all. This girl here is having a rougher time than myself. But, I know how she feels, I've been there myself. I know how it is to go through things like this."
We like to relate to other people, to find similarities, shared grounds, emotions that are alike, battles that we can compare.
My life is a beautiful story.
That thought makes me smile. I never thought of it that way before. I never viewed my life in that light. I always focused on the happy ending I wanted. I always longed for that happy ending.
And listening to my friend last night. I paused. I stopped up. I thought.
And I realized. Yes, of course I want the happy ending. But I'm sad when I'm done with a book. It's over, I can't read it any longer. I'm enjoying to read about the struggle, the battle, the explorations. It's not the ending that I enjoy reading the most.
That said, of course I want the happy ending, I enjoy the happy ending of a book. We need the hope after all. We need to have that faith that one day, once all the struggle is over with and we have conquered. Then there will be happiness and romance. Then the hero and heroine will marry and live happily ever after.
But we hold that thought close to our hearts while we read about the struggles. And we enjoy reading the story knowing that there will - perhaps, for it's only a perhaps - be a happy ending one day.
My life is a beautiful story.
Dedicated to Todd, a dear friend.
How many people have been told that? "Your life is a beautiful story".
A friend of mine last night said that to me, and ever since that line has been stuck in my head. I've been turning it over and over, considering, tasting, feeling.
And it's true. Yes, my life is a beautiful story. It's the sort of novel that I would enjoy reading. Not because it's full of happiness and romance or anything like that. No, because it's full of struggle, fight, battle, pain, sadness, despair. And in spite of that, I keep on fighting. I keep on trying. And slowly, step by step, I win. One victory after another. Small improvements here and there, tiny things, but they all add up and it turns into a beautiful story.
Who wants to read about lives where everything is just perfect? Where everything succeeds without a struggle? Who wants to hear about one victory after another that wasn't deserved, that wasn't worked for? Who wants to just read about happiness and people being happy?
No one. Why should we read about things only being good when we can never relate to it anyway. No, we want to read about things we can relate to ourselves. We want to read about things where we can put ourselves into the shoes of the main person and say: "Hey, my life isn't that bad after all. This girl here is having a rougher time than myself. But, I know how she feels, I've been there myself. I know how it is to go through things like this."
We like to relate to other people, to find similarities, shared grounds, emotions that are alike, battles that we can compare.
My life is a beautiful story.
That thought makes me smile. I never thought of it that way before. I never viewed my life in that light. I always focused on the happy ending I wanted. I always longed for that happy ending.
And listening to my friend last night. I paused. I stopped up. I thought.
And I realized. Yes, of course I want the happy ending. But I'm sad when I'm done with a book. It's over, I can't read it any longer. I'm enjoying to read about the struggle, the battle, the explorations. It's not the ending that I enjoy reading the most.
That said, of course I want the happy ending, I enjoy the happy ending of a book. We need the hope after all. We need to have that faith that one day, once all the struggle is over with and we have conquered. Then there will be happiness and romance. Then the hero and heroine will marry and live happily ever after.
But we hold that thought close to our hearts while we read about the struggles. And we enjoy reading the story knowing that there will - perhaps, for it's only a perhaps - be a happy ending one day.
My life is a beautiful story.
Dedicated to Todd, a dear friend.
4/04/2008
Wonder
A pause, a heartbeat, a step taken
Wonder...
To watch, observing what can't be seen
Almost touching, so close, nearly there
And yet...
Brushing soft, tender caress
Ah, this longing, strong tearing
Demanding more, more, more
To want you...
Close, so far, so close, far
Nearly there, then gone again
Quick flutters lifting up, up, up
Are you truly an imagination
Or really so real...
Wonder...
To watch, observing what can't be seen
Almost touching, so close, nearly there
And yet...
Brushing soft, tender caress
Ah, this longing, strong tearing
Demanding more, more, more
To want you...
Close, so far, so close, far
Nearly there, then gone again
Quick flutters lifting up, up, up
Are you truly an imagination
Or really so real...
3/27/2008
Silent pain
Pain lingers, wraps me in black veils
bushing over my body like shrouds
Covers my face and darkens my view
Sharp claws scrape my skin, drawing
blood red and bright, fresh from wounds
never healing, numbed at times in hope.
Silent screams in the sky as clouds
Cover the light that shone so bright
Tearing out the hope that fought
to remain alive, to stay so strong
But hope is disappearing, leaving
through a darkened tunnel in the night
Quiet I cover, trying to hide away
from pain that threatens to tear me
apart, ripping me to pieces alone
A tear runs silently down my cheek
no words uttered, no sound emerges
Carrying the loss of hope in silence
bushing over my body like shrouds
Covers my face and darkens my view
Sharp claws scrape my skin, drawing
blood red and bright, fresh from wounds
never healing, numbed at times in hope.
Silent screams in the sky as clouds
Cover the light that shone so bright
Tearing out the hope that fought
to remain alive, to stay so strong
But hope is disappearing, leaving
through a darkened tunnel in the night
Quiet I cover, trying to hide away
from pain that threatens to tear me
apart, ripping me to pieces alone
A tear runs silently down my cheek
no words uttered, no sound emerges
Carrying the loss of hope in silence
3/21/2008
Rays through branches
A late evening, the moon sending her rays in
through the window, parting brooding branches
Full and round, perfect in shape, too brightly
shining, touching my pale skin, as I watch the clouds
pass by upon the darkened sky, carried by a cold wind.
through the window, parting brooding branches
Full and round, perfect in shape, too brightly
shining, touching my pale skin, as I watch the clouds
pass by upon the darkened sky, carried by a cold wind.
3/19/2008
A beginning
Forward,
A step at a time, slowly
Pause, run, hurry, wait!
What is it, now?
A slow smile, beginning
of satisfaction, fear
covers us, holds us tight
Did you know?
Here, we stand
The wind blowing against
the face, biting
Sharp pieces of ice
Tears down the cheek
Pain sharp, cutting
through the armour
Did you expect?
Standing ready to
face, the world alone.
Strong, confident
Independence here I come!
A step at a time, slowly
Pause, run, hurry, wait!
What is it, now?
A slow smile, beginning
of satisfaction, fear
covers us, holds us tight
Did you know?
Here, we stand
The wind blowing against
the face, biting
Sharp pieces of ice
Tears down the cheek
Pain sharp, cutting
through the armour
Did you expect?
Standing ready to
face, the world alone.
Strong, confident
Independence here I come!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)