My best friend - 2nd draft

I stopped up and looked again. That face was familiar, I had seen it somewhere before. I walked over to her and said hello. She greeted me with a big smile, "Hello my dear old friend. It's so nice to see you again."

I paused, a bit puzzled. My best friend? When she reached her arms out to hug me, I couldn't resist her and I gave her a big hug back. It felt good, as if something missing had just returned. I was whole again, completely content. I couldn't help but grin and then laugh with the joy as I felt her against me. This was wonderful.

After what felt like an eternity she stepped back. Holding my shoulders she looked me into the eyes and asked me, "How are you?"

"I'm fine," the usual answer. She grinned at me and said, "I asked, how are you?" She looked me into the eyes again, seeing more than anyone should see. "How are you really my dearest friend. Deep inside?" Her words penetrated me. I stood there just looking at her, feeling scared for some reason. I stammered a few words before clearing my throat, "Perhaps we should go somewhere else. I know of a nice café nearby."

She brightened at my words and instantly said, "Let's go to my place, you're always welcome and it's been so long."

I hesitated briefly before I was taken by her spirited energy. Who was this woman I instantly was falling in love with? I just wanted to open completely to her and let her in to see everything.

Her apartment was warm and welcoming. I felt at home instantly. It was a strange mix of styles and personalities, but I liked it. Perhaps because it was what I'd have done had I the courage.

Full of energy and happiness she directed me to a deep couch. With a grin she asked me if I still prefered Pu-erh tea and with a laugh I answered yes. "I do too," she said from the kitchen, "I just love that fermented, earthly flavour it has. "
I was amazed, "Yes, that's it," I called to her while settling in the couch, pulling a blanket over my legs. The same green as a beech forest on an early summer day, the same green as my favourite shirt.

She brought the tea and sat down next to me. Holding the steaming cup with one hand, I wrapped my other arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. With laughter she complied and snuggled against me. "You know, it's been too long since you've done that," she said while smiling at my eyes. "I've wanted to hug you so many times over these last years, but you've always been so distant, rejecting everything I tried."

I stared at her. What was she talking about? I was certain that I'd never refuse a hug from her. She was just too wonderful and amazing. Someone I couldn't resist. Alone looking at her made me smile, filled me with laughter.

"I can't imagine ever rejecting you," I said with a smile while squeezing her. "This is odd." I scanned her face again. "I feel it like I know you, like I've known you all my life. Like you've always been there. And yet, when you say things like me ignoring you for too long, I get confused." I smiled at her, a bit worried about her reaction. "I look upon you, hear you, feel you and I know instantly that you're a person I love and am attracted to. You're so beautiful, so full of life, so open, so loving. And I can't imagine myself ever refusing you anything or not want to spend time with you."

She listened to my words with a brilliant smile, silently encouraging me to continue. I felt safe with her, as if it didn't matter what I said or felt as long as if it was the truth, my sincere opinion. She'd love me the same no matter what.

"If I had seen you, I would have walked over to you like I did today. Had you invited me to a hug, I wouldn't have been able to resist it. I can't believe that I've rejected you. It seems completely wrong."

She gave me one of those soft loving looks that makes your knees go weak ,"Yes, you didn't see me my friend, you choose not to."

I gabed at her words. I choose it? How was that possible? Again I protested while drawing her closer to me. "How could I choose not to see someone as radiant as you?" I peered at her eyes, hoping to find some logical explanation. She just shook her head, a patient smile playing over her lips and her eyes twinkling in merriment. She distracted me by asking how I found the tea. To be honest, I had forgotten all about it.

The conversation continued for hours. She made us another pot of tea and fund some cookies as well. The topics ranged wide. We talked about everything between earth and sky. And even about something beneath as well. She was a wonderful conversation partner. Loved to discuss topics form many different angles, always able to see a situation from the other side. Her wit was sharp, her intelligence keen and easily a match for my own. She had a wonderful sense of humour and would joke or laugh often to ease the tension when the discussion became heated.

As the night turned into dawn I found myself lying next to her, holding her closely and drifting into sleep. I was in love with this woman. Like I had never loved anyone before. I felt complete.

She was amazing. So many qualities and attractive sides. I already felt I knew her better than myself, and the more I had learned, the more I loved her. Sure she had some faults and less attractive sides, but all I could see, all that truly mattered were the good ones. They outshone everything else. Both in numbers and in brightness. It was like comparing thousands of full-moons to a couple of candles on the lawn.

As I lay there with her in my arms I spoke to her, "You are so beautiful, so amazing. You seem so happy and content, so at ease with yourself, in balance, accepting yourself. I have never known anyone like you." She smiled at my words and snuggled closer to me.

"I know," she said, "I listen to what people tell me, I try to be open-minded and accept their critique. I use their ways of seeing me, the way they see my faults and flaws and use that as at tool to better understand myself. Once I see myself as I am, I can start working to change what I want to change."

I caressed her face tenderly, "But how do you do it, how can you keep working with yourself like that?"

"I'm stubborn and will-full, that's why," she grinned at me, "But seriously, I look at things and try to be realistic. I evaluate myself, look at what there is and what I don't like. Then I go through the things I'm dissatisfied with in my life and sort it up in two lists. One for the things I don't want to change, and one for the things I want to change. The stuff I want to change I then break down in small steps, and even smaller again, and then I just take one step at a time. It's really not more than that. It's easy to take just one step and focus on that. It's when you focus on the big goal that you lose faith in yourself. That's when you get overwhelmed and don't think you can do it."

I considered her words and agreed. "Do you try to become perfect," I said a bit uncertain about if she was compulsive in her chase for bettering herself.

"No," she laughed genuinely amused, "I know that nothing can be perfect, it's impossible. Perfection is something to strive for, to reach for, but you can never reach it."

"But how do you avoid despair? Striving for something that you know is impossible is just worthless?"

"It's not worthless to strive for, not as long as you know you've given your best and you can't do better. Then you've reached the real goal. Perfection isn't the real goal. As long as you've given your best, then you've succeeded."

She fell asleep in my arms and I lay awake thinking about this woman next to me.

She was a dreamer as well, dreams that gave her hope to believe that things will truly change if only she works hard enough for it. Dreams to give her motivation. But not these unrealistic dreams,. The dreams were the real sort. "Dreams will happen one day if only you believe in it and in yourself," she had said the words with conviction and determination. Her positive outlook was striking, I truly admired this in her.

"I know, deep down, that no matter what I really want I can reach any dream one day," she had smiled with confidence and grinned at me, "if only I work hard enough for it and am dedicated. I know this as deeply as I know I'm a woman and that I'm alive."

This impressive woman had insight and deep understanding. She knew she was her own greatest obstacle, not others. She also firmly believed that there is no failure, but only lessons to be learned, attempts to try to become better and finding the best path to success. No matter how success is defined. She was a fighter not allowing herself to give up. If she let go a project it was after careful consideration of if she was truly willing to pay and sacrifice to obtain the goal or not.

No matter how I argued with her, she'd say that anything can be changed if only we are willing to do the work. There would always be things we are not willing to change, but that's our own decision, not that of others. With a laugh I had agreed and had said, "Yes, you're right, at least as long as it's matters affecting yourself one way or another and doesn't defy the physical laws of the universe."

Strong determination, positive outlook, full of hope and faith, trusting and believing herself fully. These were only part of her fascinating character. She was curious, always willing to explore new paths and avenues, even if it scared her.

"Oh, I've been scared, very scared. Scared of change, scared of success, scared of being happy. I've been frozen with fear for what has faced me. But, I couldn't let that stop me. I had to go on. I had to face my fears and conquer them. Not give into my emotions and let them ruin me and set me up for failure. Only by conquering my fears, only by fighting my horror could I move forward and truly change myself. I had to do it for myself, by myself. I just can't help it, I need to grow and change."

"I can see that," I had said with a grin, "the passion is burning in your eyes."

"You know," squeezing my hand she had smiled, "Growth is the most important things there is, it is the purpose of life. Growth and knowledge. To grow and change for the better, to learn and become wise."

Another trait I admired in her was her love and compassion. She was so open and accepting, didn't judge me as I talked to her. She just accepted me as I am. She would offer advice and help me to change what I was dissatisfied with, but she didn't think less of me for having faults and errors. She would instead just reach out and support me to the best of her abilities. She had so much love to give that I at times became overwhelmed. It was an unconditional love.

This became even more evident as she had spoken of her daughter.

"I love her, more than anything in the world. I would kill anyone who harm her, I know that. Like a lioness protecting her cubs. She is the most important to me, the most intense and fulfilling love I have. What I feel for her is completely unconditional. No matter what she does or whom she is or how she behaves, I love her."

The love had shined from her and became almost physical.

"I spoil her too much, I can't help it at times. But I am firm too, I set down the rules because a child needs that. They need firm rules and consistency. If you don't give them that, you're going to harm them in the long run. Undermine their confidence and stop them from growing up as capable adults. I would never harm her if I can avoid it. But I know it can't be avoided. I analyse too much at times I must admit, but it helps me see when I make errors and mistakes. And once I see I've done a mistake I stop to fix it, to heal what might be broken. I'm not afraid of admitting I can be wrong or have been wrong. Everybody make errors and are wrong at times."

"A family is the core," she had explained to me, "the base for a person. You must always be able to count on and trust family. You must always do right and help out where it's possible. Family, like the very best of friends are those always there and supportive."

She tried to teach her daughter these qualities and tried to live by them. Loyalty and dedication to her friends and loved ones were complete. She would do anything in her power to help and protect them. Trust was an essential thing to her and betrayal of trust was probably the worse you could do. In all shades and variations.

I must have fallen asleep because I suddenly came to myself feeling cold. Then I realized she had slipped out of my arms and were in the kitchen making tea and toasts.

She came in with the breakfast greeting me with her warm smile, "Good morning," she said, "there's breakfast for you. I hope you slept well, for I slept like an angel. It's been so nice to lie with you again."

"Thanks, yeah, I slept great. At peace and fully relaxed. I didn't even notice I fell asleep."

She smiled at me, "I'm happy to hear that."

We ate our breakfast mostly in silence. I kept glancing at her, my heart skiping a beat every time I caught eye contact with her. I had seriously fallen in love with this woman.

Finishing my breakfast I turned to her and said, "Thank you so much for all you've done. Talking to you has really helped me. And you've been so hospitable and generous that I lack words, so open and accepting, so insightful. I'm so grateful."

"It's nothing," she said, "it's been a real pleasure to have you here. It was the least I could do for you. Just let me know if there's more I can help you with."

I stared at her for a moment, again surprised by how freely she gave. Time, home, advice, food, love. Anything within her means.

She grinned at me once more and said, "Really, it's nothing. I'd do the same for anyone I cared about. You're not the first I've helped." The amusement shone from her eyes again.

I smiled and nodded, of course, it still didn't make it less in my view and I was about to tell her when I again was stricken by her beauty and smile. By how her inner happiness and strength just shone out and animated her entire being. I sat there watching her eyes, completely absorbed in this woman.

"I love you," I told her with emotions chocking my voice and tears showing in my eyes. The words were much more intense and affecting me more than I had thought they would.

"I know," she said, "I am you."