A day in my life

I sit here in my beautiful kitchen with my cup of tea and a light healthy breakfast just finished. I feel great after the night in the arms of my one special love and the light exercise and meditation before the shower. I'm happy and content, feeling good about the day ahead of me, pleased with and grateful for the day yesterday. A breeze wafts in through the open doors to the garden and brings with it the fragrances of herbs growing on and around the terrace.

The sun shines on my garden with flowers in full bloom. It will be another amazing day. I live in a beautiful house with my family and we are happy to live here. The garden is large, though not more than I can easily manage it with the help from our children and my beloved. I can afford to hire a gardener, but enjoy doing most of the work myself. It is peaceful and private, close to nature, yet easily accessible for visitors. Our property is located close to a forest, just 10 minutes walk away. The garden of my house, as well as the neighbours give the impression that I am in the middle of a park. The kitchen-patch is full of produce. Fruit trees and berry bushes are scattered over the grounds, making both birds and humans happy. The children love to grow their own vegetables and I must admit we enjoy eating it. They are so proud when they bring in a salad for dinner, or a bowl of strawberries for a pie that we bake together.

At the end of the grounds, close to the road lies another building which has been transformed into a wellness clinic. There are 4 treatment rooms, a large class room, reception, showers and a sauna. It is ideal for our business and I have a three free-lance body-workers working there. This morning my beloved hosts a body-work class and in the afternoon one of my free-lancers will be doing yoga with her students in the class room. It is nice to work so close to home and it allows us to spend more time with our children. Another benefit is that it's easy to arrange for wellness days and week-ends with other body-workers. Once every month we are a group of body-workers and friends coming together to exchange massages and healing, learn from each other and just relax and enjoy the time together.

Today I feel inspired and full of energy and have a strong urge to start writing. I must admit I feel like this most mornings. If I don't, I just go into my garden for some gardening or into my atelier to paint for a while, and I feel instantly recharged. My creativity is bubbling, willing me to put my fingers to the keyboard even if I'm not yet done with my tea. I need to write, it's a drive in me.

This morning I write another chapter of my book. It's almost finished and my publisher is impatient to read it. I'm very happy about the work I've done, telling a story that is so important to me and which has been with me for so long. My first book is bringing in a pleasant steady income every month and has sold very well this last year. I have success as a writer.

I am glad that I have a buffer with my articles, as the book is becoming more and more insistent on being written. Normally I spend an hour working on my articles and then two hours on my books. But a big burst of inspiration last week had me write 10 articles over 3 mornings, so I know I can finish the first draft of my book before I need to think about writing another article.

My massage and wellness articles are very popular and they now bring in a steady income from advertising and from being sold to magazines and other publications. Between my book and articles, I don't really need to work, and I can manage just fine. Healing is my calling and I love to give stone treatments, coaching and guidance. It is desire and passion that drives me and it makes me feel complete and whole. I work with my stones every day and with every client. Even on my days off I spend at least half an hour every morning with my stones. They are part of my daily meditations.

At lunch I meet with my beloved. We have a special connection, sensing each other even when far apart. He is part of my happiness and is really good for and to me. Together we explore and heal our wounds and now we are like a being made complete, equals forming a greater whole. We pick up on the other's moods and feelings and our communication is so open and direct, that there are no secrets or fears. I can't imagine living with anyone else and I know he is the one I had been looking for all my life. His love for me is as great as mine for him and we're committed to each other in complete honesty and full trust.

After lunch I have three clients, booking me full all afternoon until five. I give treatments in the clinic every week-day between one and 5, and sometimes for special clients, in the evenings or week-ends. People are happy to take half a day off work to get a treatment and I my schedule is full. As a Master LaStone Therapist I am in high demand, and my other skills within healing, body-work and coaching all serve to make my treatments unique, effective and very sought after.

Twice a month, I have a whole day during the week with no bookings or writing planned. These days are spontaneous days only for my beloved and I. We might just stay under the covers all day making love and enjoying the time together. We might visit a museum, go for a ride, see a show, take a walk along the river or do anything we're in the mood for. These days are for just him and I and no work at all is allowed. We even turn of our phones to ensure no distractions. They are dedicated to being present and being together. It is a very valuable and sacred time for us and it allows us to relax and unwind from work, while letting us renew our love, discover each other again and connect even more deeply.

The first treatment is the longest session of the day. It takes nearly a two hours, as I give her a Cocooning to build her strength and let the stones heal her. The shamanistic journey brings her insight and clarity and finishing I let my hands work some of their healing magic before we sit down with a cup of tea and discuss the session. Today she had a great break-through and is full of energy and inspiration. I can tell that she has healed much from her hurt and now is ready to deal with the things in her life that brought her down. I'm happy and very grateful to be allowed to be part of her journey to healing and to help her heal herself.

The second client is a Deep Stone wanting a pre-race massage, as he runs a marathon tomorrow. We chat about the race and how the weather will be while I let the hot and cold stones work their wonders on his legs and buttocks. I confirm our post-marathon appointment and we agree to do a long session with stones and hands to deal with the sore and used muscles.

At four my last client of the day enters. It's the first time she's visiting my wellness clinic. She is very excited, having heard so much good about me, my treatments and the LaStone from her friends. Word is spreading fast, and I have many referrals. New clients come in every week and most become regulars. My clients are loyal. I am booked solid for the next four weeks and I am content. I have so many clients that I easily afford to attend all the courses and classes which interest me, as well as go travelling all over the world when I want to. At least two months a year are used for travelling, courses and holidays with my family.

As my client fills out the intake form and I explain to her about Original Body, my beloved walks by. His afternoon has been full as well with coaching and massages. He has a last session in a few minutes and is using his break to be present with me. I direct my client to the massage room and let her know I will be there in a moment. I quickly give the love of my life a kiss and gaze deeply into his eyes. No words are needed, our love sparkles between us with a stronger expression than words can ever give. He tells me he will be cooking dinner tonight, while I fetch our kids from their after-school activities. I ask him what he will make, but he just smiles and teases me by saying I will see. I get the feeling he has planned something for tonight. With a big smile I join my client.

I enter the room and see her sitting on the massage table with a towel around her. The candles are burning and a pleasant aroma wafts through the air. The sound of water comes from a small fountain in the corner, where water runs down over many types of stunning stones which I have collected from all over the world. The room has plenty of space and is decorated in warm colours with various plants, beautiful paintings and native American themes. My basalt stones are in the heater, ready to use, and the ice-box is full of cold, beautiful marble and sardonyx stones.

With a smile I ask my client to lie down under the towel on the table. I explain to her that I will start with a short ceremony and smudging, preparing both her and I for the journey the Original Body will bring. She nods, a bit apprehensive, but ready to try something new she's not quite sure if she finds too far out. I put on some relaxing music with drums and flutes, setting a perfect mood for the session. From a candle I light my smudge stick and cleanse myself, the room and my client. She expresses enjoyment of the scent. Filled with love and with the confidence only experience and knowledge brings, I continue the session. I find the hot and cold stones for the spinal layout, opening the chakras, placement of stones and I introduce her to the Shiva Linghams. As she lies there I do a bit of drumming, before I begin the actual massage with fragrant massage oils, hot and cold stones.

After the session she looks at me with amazement in her eyes. She tells me it is the best massage she has ever had and says she wants one once a month. She feels so light and energized, as if she's come out of a gloomy room into bright sunshine. There's a light in her eyes and a spring in her step that tells me that she will benefit from this treatment for weeks to come.

As we stand in the reception dealing with payment and the next appointment, I look through my calendar and realize that now I have 60 clients who are booked at a regular time every month. I have several other regulars who book in when they have time, often coming with a small group of friends for a special week-end treatment at my wellness-clinic. I have so many bookings that I have to refer several of them to my freelance employees. The telephone rings and without hesitation I answer it. It is a French speaker and I with ease speak to him, explaining about our treatments. After a short chat, he decides upon a treatment and books a time which I enter into the calendar.

Again I'm grateful that I am allowed such privilege to give massages and introduce people to the stones. For most it becomes a life long journey where they explore all the aspects of the stones, and many join the classes and workshops I host. I teach several LaStone classes as well as shamanism and energy work, and I give workshops for personal development and healing. Our income from the classes and workshops has allowed us to make our dream come true - to create a wellness resort for healing and personal growth.

Our wellness resort in the mountains is almost finished. The exterior is completed, the garden looks so beautiful and the lawn has several isolated spots where people can sit and meditate. Inside the craftsmen are setting up the kitchen and painting the walls. There are only a few weeks of work left, and then we'll host an opening reception with our regular clients, friends and body-workers to initiate the place. There will be ceremonies and rituals, as well as good food, partying and workshops. The scheduled workshops for the coming year are already booked full. My beloved, our team and I have a meeting in two days to discuss new workshops and make the schedule for next year. Demand is high and many have expressed interest.

I come home with our children to a kitchen smelling wonderfully. He has created an amazing dinner and my mouth is watering. Our children happily tell of their day and as we all sit around the table to eat, we discuss the coming week-end. Two full week-ends a month are dedicated to family time, and no work is allowed to interrupt that time. We drive out to visit places or go hiking, and often we leave for the week-end and stay at our cabin in the mountains. The children bring over friends and we have friends visiting in the evenings or week-ends. Our life is very satisfying on all aspects.

After dinner and with the children in their rooms getting ready for bed, I sit on the sofa leaning against my beloved. We gaze into the garden, while softly talking about our day. We share our experiences and thoughts, and actively listen to each other. I have a very good life and I am so happy that tears threaten. I am content and pleased, I feel safe and secure, I have a wonderful family and good health, and I work with what I love the most, writing and healing. I am confident that my life is good, and I know that I live out my higher purpose.

And his surprise? Well, he didn't tell me yet. I have to wait in anticipation, I know it is something special he has in mind and that I will not be disappointed at all.

Sunrise

A light rises over the horizon, the darkness of the night retreats for that of the coming dawn. From the deepest blue to paler and paler shades. Dew upon my soles, crisp fresh air, complete silence as if nature holds its breath.

One early bird breaks the silence with a longing song. Another joins and within a few heartbeats the paradise erupts in a chorus of song. Pale pink washes the skies and slowly the orange fireball rises between the peaks of distant mountains.

The water of the lake reflects the sky and a soft breeze ripples the surface, creating patterns of stunning beauty. A graceful bird dives into the water and triumphantly rises up into the air in a shower of glistening water drops.

I stand upon the hill welcoming the day, being one with all around me. I long to join spread out my arms and fly into the sky like the eagle. Instead I let the first rays of the morning sun touch my skin and warm my chilled body.

Dew evaporates and a thin layer of haze lies over the lake, mingling with the thin wisp of smoke coming from the chimney of my cabin. Inside life stirs, and suddenly a child's laughter echoes over the small valley.

I smile and thank the world for another day. Content I return to my family, a happy song in my heart, each step bringing me joy and anticipation for the day just begun.

The cabin

It's a quiet evening as the sun settles over the mountains on the other side of the lake. A few birds bid us good-night as the sky turns from fiery golden to the palest of rose, delicate and fragile. The lake mirrors the sky, adding magic to the moment as I snuggle against your arms and settle closer to you. The dew falls on our feet which aren't covered by the blanket.

As the hue of the sky turns darker to indigo, I see the first stars peek down at us. Venus, the planet of femininity and motherhood stands proud over the tallest peak. Challenging us, daring us to doubt her strength. Behind me I know Mars rises, shaded by the cabin which shields us from the light wind of the evening.

From the fireplace inside a golden fire floats through the door frame, casting long shadows on the porch where we lie. You push against the deck, making the hammock rock in rhythm with our breath.

No words are spoken, together we share this special moment as the day ends and its events pass out of the horizon. Now is only the moment of you and I. Togetherness in comfort that needs no explanation.

A half moon peeks over the roof competing with the dew for our attention. The summer night feels warm, with a refreshing breath of coolness that prepares us for sleep.

But not yet. First it is us. Silent together, close, almost merged into one being in love. The demands of the day are beyond us and our children safely asleep inside. This is our moment, when we can be us without distractions, when we can be the couple in love, the lovers, the life-partners, those bound together by soul, heart and body. When we do not hold the roles of the day, of our mission and purposes. When we're allowed to just be us, together, in unison.

Faint, as only the summer night will allow, the first northern lights begin to dance before our eyes. The sky is dark now, twilight has passed, but still a glow shines over the horizon. The sun still plays his game and lights our world, however faintly it is this night. He cannot outshine the aurora reflected in the lake and the stars and moon overhead.

Such a beautiful evening, and perfect in the  moment as I feel your warm skin against me. We'll make love this night, under the beautiful sky. A love so tender that only a mother's love for her newborn can compare.

For now though, we sit together in the hammock, slowly rocking as silence settles around us and bring our minds a quiet peace.

Life purpose

The purpose of our lives is a thing that haunts many of us for a long while. We feel there is more to things, that there is a meaning to it all, and we desperately try to find that meaning.

Many search all life and will never find it. Some find it without hardly trying, just walking their path naturally. Some are not even aware of those mechanisms, but find the path anyway. Some of us stand right before the path and can't see it. We have made ourselves blind to the obvious.

When we open to ourselves and our own wisdom and knowledge, and keep open to what is being shown to us, the people we speak to, let our intuition have a say, then we can suddenly find our life purpose in the most odd places. Or from our own mouths in a conversation with a friend.

For others can't tell us what our purpose is. It is not their place to do so. Only we can find it, though the aid of others can certainly kick us when we need it and make us realize and see things.

Another good friend of mine was listening to my rantings the other day and during that conversation I said, very heartfelt and urgent:

"I want to be important to people, I want to make a difference, I want to influence people's lives and be somebody. I want to touch a lot of people and affect their lives and change it for the better."

Later, thinking back on that conversation, I realize that I've been speaking some of my innermost feelings and desires, that I've finally started to voice what it is I want to be my purpose in life, what it is I have the drive and urge to do. I just never dared say such, I never dared get my hopes up.

Life purposes, a topic that's hard to truly understand and learn about. It's hard to to define vague feelings and dreams into something concrete and real.

Thanks Shane, for helping me voice my purpose.

Get your hopes up.

"Not really doubting yourself. But not believing in yourself either. Like you don't want to get your hopes up."

A friend said this to me last night and it just hit home and rang so true.
"You don't want to get your hopes up."
It is true. I don't want to get my hopes up.
It's scary, it's dangerous, it's painful.
All due to past conditioning where I've been proven over and over (by myself and my own behaviours), that there's no point to getting my hopes up because there will always be failure, there'll always be a price that hurts, that it is not possible anyway.

I am so grateful that he pointed it out to me, because it gave me a lot of food for thought.
A lot of food for thought certainly. An opening, a door which I have to walk through. A door which is enlightenment and a path that is healing.

A path where I know that I have broken and can break my behaviours and self-destructive manners. A path where I know I am strong and capable. A path where I know I am a different person.

I just need to trust myself. I need to learn to trust myself. I need to decide to trust myself. Yes, that's the most essential.
I need to decide I can trust myself.
Because I have broken all these things from the past. I have changed my behaviours. I know and recognize them when they happen and can act against it and change what I am about to do.
I just need to trust myself to do it.
And once I trust myself to do it. I know my goals and dreams and hopes can come true. I know things are possible without failure or pain.
I can get my hopes up for the future.
And then I can believe in myself fully.

The door of enlightenment, opened by a dear caring friend saying: "It's like you don't want to get your hopes up."

Now I stand in the doorway and face the path before me. It will be an interesting walk and scary as well. I hope I can stay on it this time and not stray aside.

Thank you, Evan.

Point of it all

What is the point of it all when it comes to it? What is the purpose of life? The meaning of it? Why are we here? What is it we are meant to do?

Those questions are as old as humanity, and yet, we've not found the answer to it. Some people seem to have found an answer, seem to have found that purpose, that meaning with it all. And yet, they can't tell you what it is, they can't give you the answer. It's an answer only you can find.

Isn't it frustrating? I find it so. I sit here and think that there must be more to it all. That there must be more meaning to my life than trying to get a job, trying to support myself and taking care of my daughter.

Yeah, of course, raising a child is important. But I am more than that. I am more than a mother. I just don't know what. I don't know what that more is I'm looking for.

For I'm looking. I'm searching for that meaning with life. That thing that makes the difference to me. The thing that'll make me jump out of bed in the morning and think that this is a wonderful day and that it's important and I have things to do that has meaning and purpose and reason.

I don't know where to find it. My inner self seems like a murky place where light can't penetrate, where there's no signs showing me the way.

There must be more to things. There just must be. If not, it's all way too depressive.

I need more.

Afterthought

Sitting here with a feeling. Strange thoughts overcoming me, going through my brain but not really registering. What is this when it comes to it?

What happened that made this day different from the other days, what was it that changed the energy around me, something new, and yet so old. Returning to old haunts, but in a new way.

Is this what would be called to break free and let go of the past? Or is it merely a natural step that had to happen no matter what? Is it accepting that some things will never happen and it is time to move on?

I don't know, it's impossible to tell. Logically it feels right. But my heart broke, or perhaps I just poured more salt into that wound. The wound of impossibilities and dreams, of what can never be, of a hope that is lost.

Am I a fool or am I wise?

It's not possible to say, is it? Only time will tell. And even when you wait out the time, you can never know what would have happened had things been done differently, if something else had been the case, another step taken, a new location.

But I will never know. I will never know if I did things in foolishness or right.

Ah, the wonderful curse of life. We do never truly know what is right or wrong. Not when it comes to reaching our dreams and finding them.

My thoughts are of you, they will always be. My heart is with you, it always will be. But I think the pain is less now. At least for today. We can't predict tomorrow after all.

Did the dream disappear?

Beautiful story

My life is a beautiful story.

How many people have been told that? "Your life is a beautiful story".

A friend of mine last night said that to me, and ever since that line has been stuck in my head. I've been turning it over and over, considering, tasting, feeling.

And it's true. Yes, my life is a beautiful story. It's the sort of novel that I would enjoy reading. Not because it's full of happiness and romance or anything like that. No, because it's full of struggle, fight, battle, pain, sadness, despair. And in spite of that, I keep on fighting. I keep on trying. And slowly, step by step, I win. One victory after another. Small improvements here and there, tiny things, but they all add up and it turns into a beautiful story.

Who wants to read about lives where everything is just perfect? Where everything succeeds without a struggle? Who wants to hear about one victory after another that wasn't deserved, that wasn't worked for? Who wants to just read about happiness and people being happy?

No one. Why should we read about things only being good when we can never relate to it anyway. No, we want to read about things we can relate to ourselves. We want to read about things where we can put ourselves into the shoes of the main person and say: "Hey, my life isn't that bad after all. This girl here is having a rougher time than myself. But, I know how she feels, I've been there myself. I know how it is to go through things like this."

We like to relate to other people, to find similarities, shared grounds, emotions that are alike, battles that we can compare.

My life is a beautiful story.

That thought makes me smile. I never thought of it that way before. I never viewed my life in that light. I always focused on the happy ending I wanted. I always longed for that happy ending.

And listening to my friend last night. I paused. I stopped up. I thought.

And I realized. Yes, of course I want the happy ending. But I'm sad when I'm done with a book. It's over, I can't read it any longer. I'm enjoying to read about the struggle, the battle, the explorations. It's not the ending that I enjoy reading the most.

That said, of course I want the happy ending, I enjoy the happy ending of a book. We need the hope after all. We need to have that faith that one day, once all the struggle is over with and we have conquered. Then there will be happiness and romance. Then the hero and heroine will marry and live happily ever after.

But we hold that thought close to our hearts while we read about the struggles. And we enjoy reading the story knowing that there will - perhaps, for it's only a perhaps - be a happy ending one day.

My life is a beautiful story.

Dedicated to Todd, a dear friend.