Get your hopes up.

"Not really doubting yourself. But not believing in yourself either. Like you don't want to get your hopes up."

A friend said this to me last night and it just hit home and rang so true.
"You don't want to get your hopes up."
It is true. I don't want to get my hopes up.
It's scary, it's dangerous, it's painful.
All due to past conditioning where I've been proven over and over (by myself and my own behaviours), that there's no point to getting my hopes up because there will always be failure, there'll always be a price that hurts, that it is not possible anyway.

I am so grateful that he pointed it out to me, because it gave me a lot of food for thought.
A lot of food for thought certainly. An opening, a door which I have to walk through. A door which is enlightenment and a path that is healing.

A path where I know that I have broken and can break my behaviours and self-destructive manners. A path where I know I am strong and capable. A path where I know I am a different person.

I just need to trust myself. I need to learn to trust myself. I need to decide to trust myself. Yes, that's the most essential.
I need to decide I can trust myself.
Because I have broken all these things from the past. I have changed my behaviours. I know and recognize them when they happen and can act against it and change what I am about to do.
I just need to trust myself to do it.
And once I trust myself to do it. I know my goals and dreams and hopes can come true. I know things are possible without failure or pain.
I can get my hopes up for the future.
And then I can believe in myself fully.

The door of enlightenment, opened by a dear caring friend saying: "It's like you don't want to get your hopes up."

Now I stand in the doorway and face the path before me. It will be an interesting walk and scary as well. I hope I can stay on it this time and not stray aside.

Thank you, Evan.